Premier League Best (Worst) XI Hair Side

There used to be a time when if you were clad in white boots on the pitch and weren't a straight baller (even if you were a straight baller) some thickly proportioned center half would make it his duty to break both of your legs just above the ankles of said white boots. Real players wore black and had conservative haircuts and certainly didn't wear their socks above their knees. Times have changed. Just the other day, some teammates and I rested between matches at a tournament and watched a goalkeeper ply his trade in an all hot pink kit. He also wore white boots and had his socks above his knees. The consensus was that this kid needed to ball all the time. I mean really, you're in all hot pink. Yes, I want to see you fly and pick the ball out of the top corner, but I also want to see you command your box, make the easy save look easy, and drop dimes on your strikers and wingers while they're in full sprint in behind the defense. Pinky didn't quite manage to do any of those things. Now days, U-15 center halves have bleach blonde faux hawks, high socks, and shoes like this. Seriously, Dawg? Seriously.

When I was a U-15, we might have had this conversation before a match:

"Dude, number nine is rocking white shoes."

"Seriously, Dawg."

"Seriously."

"If he makes you look stupid, kick him."

"Word."

It's a brave new world and professional footballers are leading the way. Gone are the days in which one's skills determined what sort of equipment one could wear. I'm not against this because, full disclosure, I mostly foul people and only rarely score goals. I play my borderline dirty and relatively goaless game in white boots and high socks. I tell myself it's about self expression (it isn't) and point to a plethora of decidedly average pros with ridiculous senses of style to justify my own suspect choices.

Where I don't have much of a choice is in the hairstyle department. Genetics have blessed me with incredibly strong tooth enamel (awesome) and male pattern baldness (not awesome). Additionally, I work in one of those fields that limits my hair choices to neat and neater. My secret desire for a massive mop of unruly dreads with bleached tips will have to wait for another life, but it got me thinking, what would a Premier League Best XI Hair side look like? Well, I'll tell you!


Premier League Best (Worst) XI Hair Side

Goalkeeper:

Tim Krul

It's not that Tim Krul's hair is really that bad. To be honest, there really aren't that many bad hair styles in Premier League goals this year...or any year, for that matter. It seems that goalkeepers go with either some derivation of the faux hawk or have given over to the stress of the position and just shaved off whatever they were left with. Poor Krul is just the worst of what's out there. It's sort of a modern day Village Idiot do and strikes me as an homage to the pageboy haircut of the early nineties. As my best friend in high school said once in reaction to my decision to let my scraggly, teenage facial hair grow out, "Dude, cut that shit."

Right back

Bacary Sagna

What can one say about this hair? Well, I say this: It looks like the kid has a gay tarantula perched atop his head. The shocking thing about Sagna's hairstyle is that he's had it for the last 4 or 5 years. Seriously?! No one has ever once said to Bacary that perhaps it's time for a change? In my experience, people with attention getting hairstyles have a tendency to change them fairly regularly. Apparently, Sagna has decided that no, he's quite happy with the homosexual arachnid do and it's going nowhere anytime soon.


Center back

David Luiz

David Luiz is a real talent. The kid came into the Chelsea side in the January window last season and looked immediately at ease. He's listed at 6'2, but 4 inches of that has to be hair. I have no questions about his game, but often find myself wondering, "Can David Luiz wear a hat? Does one size really fit all?"





Center back

Fabricio Coloccini

Fabricio gets the nod here for two reasons. 1: I love the idea of an Argentine and a Brazilian playing in central defense together. 2: I love the idea of poor Timmy Krul constantly shouting, "No Sight!" as he struggles to find the ball around the massive Sideshow Bob like tufts of hair obstructing the view in front of him.







Left back

Benoit Assou-Ekotto

Benoit has had a lot of hairstyles over the years. This one is the most ridiculous. It's sort of a Superfly/Bride of Frankenstein look. Lots of things go together. Chips and salsa. Peanut butter and jelly. Yin and Yang. The internet and porn. Superfly and Bride of Frankenstein is not one of those combinations.






Right wing

Gervinho

This hairstyle is fucking awful. Granted, Gervinho's tarantula is significantly less gay than his teammate Sagna's, but where does this kid's forehead end?! I am tempted to think that Gervinho is some sort of Sith Lord and that after matches he retires to a secret chamber in the locker room where a robotic contraption lifts his hair helmet off to reveal a burned and pasty looking Dath Vaderesque super villain a la that one scene in Return of the Jedi when the Imperial Officer accidently walks in on Darth getting his head recharged.

Note: It could be another Star Wars movie. I'm not sure. I've had sex with a woman.

Defensive Central Midfielder

Marouane Fellaini

I'm a huge Fellaini fan. Which, in addition to sounding like I'm an obscure Italian film fan, also means I like brutal tackles and moments of madness lightly dusted with moments of brilliance. Fellaini gets the nod here because I couldn't resist having three ridiculous afros right up the middle of the park and also because my friends say I play a touch like the big Belgian. In other words, I sort of lumber around, unleash a number of harsh challenges, and can, on occasion, find a clever pass and/or score a goal (never both). In all honesty, I'm hugely flattered by this.



Attacking Central Midfielder

Joey Barton

Never mind that I put Barton and Gervinho in the same side. I'm sure they'll work out their issues before the first match. What's important here is that Joey Barton's hair is ludicrous. It's sort of like a Nazi faux hawk with a touch of Morrissey for good measure. I love the idea of Barton, who is arguably more over the top with his challenges (and nightclub assaults) than Fellaini, hearing The Smiths in his head as he punches someone (maybe one of his own teammates) in the face for an offense that only Joey Barton really understands. Having said that...God, is he fun to watch.



Left Wing

Steven Pienaar

Ok, ok...Steven Pienaar's hair isn't really that bad. And he's not really a true left wing. So what. What gets me about Pienaar's hair is that it seems like he actually wants his hairline to recede farther back than it actually does. For real. It looks like the kid shaves his bangs. Steven, take it from me, hang on to that hair just off your forehead. Love that hair. Include that hair in your cornrows or mop top or dreads or faux hawk. That hair is valuable. Priceless even. If you continue to forsake it, God will strike you down and leave you looking like Danny Murphy. Take heed, Steven Pienaar. Take heed!


Striker

Didier Drogba

When Didier Drogba isn't scoring goals and/or wondering why on earth he's been benched for Fernando Torres, he's straightening his hair and slathering it with what must be honey. Given that he's not scoring many goals at the moment because of the aforementioned benching in favor of Fernando Torres, he has lots of time to straighten his hair and slather it in honey. Lots and lots and lots of time. Mmmmmm...honey.





Striker

Marouane Chamakh

What. The. Fuck. Marouane Chamakh has a barber. Marouane Chamakh's barber is a blind epileptic with Hodgkin's Disease. Marouane Chamakh's barber's right hand has no idea what Marouane Chamak's barber's left hand is doing. If this isn't true, then Marouane Chamakh has actually walked into a barbershop and uttered these words: "Hello, I'd like you to cut my hair to look like a flamboyant seagoing rooster who has been caught in an oil spill." There are no other possibilities.

Ladies and gentlemen, your Best (Worst) XI Premier League Hair Side. Go on boys!