Monday, January 30, 2012

Theo Walcott Can Be Counted on to Make the Wrong Decision in Every Situation

I take a certain perverse delight in seeing Arsenal struggle, more so even than Manchester City, and I know exactly why. 

In simple math, it looks like this:

Arsene Wenger's pedantic arrogance and avoidance of accountability at all costs + Theo Walcott + An alarming number of equally pedantic, arrogant, and whiny hipster Arsenal fans = Intense schadenfreude.

Consider yourself warned.

Arsene and the Hipster are too much for me to wrap my mind around right now, so I'll get Theo Walcott off my chest instead.


Theo Walcott would wear this on a ski vacation. 
Theo Walcott is fucking terrible. I said it. Come at me, Bro. 

Theo Walcott can be counted on to make the wrong decision in almost every situation. Unfortunately, the "wrong decision" has a positive and purely accidental consequence often enough (i.e. Arsenal's second goal versus Aston Villa in last weekend's FA Cup match) that Theo never learns to do anything else with his game other than be really, really fast; so much so that Theo Walcott is now a poor man's Aaron Lennon. Remember when they were the same player? Lennon's decision making and service has improved. Walcott's? Meh.  

Theo Walcott would have invested in Laser Disc instead of DVD.

Theo Walcott would invade Russia in winter. 

Theo Walcott would investigate that scraping noise coming from the basement. 

Theo Walcott, having no condom,  would have sex with her anyway because, you know, she looks clean. 

Theo Walcott would look a gift horse in the mouth. 

Theo Walcott would pass on Michael Jordan and draft Sam Bowie instead. 

Theo Walcott would select Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Theo Walcott knows you've just met, but Theo Walcott will love you forever and has no problem getting your name tattooed in massive Gothic letters across his chest. 

Theo Walcott says, "If you're only going to see one movie this winter, make sure that movie is 'Joyful Noise'."

Theo Walcott is going for a run tonight, in the rain, on a deserted country road, in an all black, non-reflective jump suit. 

Theo Walcott doesn't know who this David Koni is, but he's apparently a long lost relative from Nigeria and he needs Theo Walcott's credit card and banking information immediately. Theo Walcott is happy to oblige. 

Theo Walcott is going to smoke this cigarette while he pumps gas for his car. 
Theo Walcott is going to text that chick a picture of his dick. She says she won't show anyone. 

Theo Walcott Would not buy this new "Google" company.

Theo Walcott would shower and talk on the phone in a lightning storm.  

Theo Walcott, playing blackjack, would hit on 19.

Theo Walcott would...