The Better Late Than Never Predictions

Those of you in Blighty are no doubt slumbering peacefully away on the eve of yet another Premier League Saturday...or you're not and you're out carousing with the boys (or ladies) and more than a few pints in. In any case, you're not reading this right now. Consider it a morning gift and/or hangover remedy left in the still of night by yours truly. I'm like football blogging Santa.

Those of you on this side of the Atlantic, well, what's your excuse? It's Friday night! I know because I'm doing this rather than making any number of much more questionable although undoubtedly more fun decisions all for the benefit of you dear readers. I'm like football blogging Jesus.

Santa and Jesus. I'll take that.

On to the predictions!

Chelsea take on West Brom in a match that will no doubt attract even a neutral's eye after Rafa went Waterboy, snapped, and leveled his shoulder on everyone from the Blues' fans to the Chelsea boardroom. I can't say I blame him or even that he's wrong, but wow. Anyone else get the feeling that Chelsea's season may be one or two losses from a spectacular, flaming train wreck to be played out in the season's remaining press conferences, tabloids, and rumor mills?

Rafa Benitez is not impressed

The best thing Chelsea have going for them this weekend is that Romelu Lukaku is ineligible to play against his parent club. Beyond that, you can bet the atmosphere at Stamford Bridge will be considerably unwelcoming to Rafa and populated by the Boo Bird's predatory raptor cousin.

To Chelsea fans, I'd love to say the leadership and quality in the side will buckle down, play for one another, and kick on, but it would be disingenuous and against type for me to do so. Remember the whole "Santa Jesus" thing. That's why I'm right off the bat using my William J. La Petomane Insane Prediction Of The Week! I call a 1-0 Baggies win with more gnashing of teeth and finger pointing in the post match interviews.

Everton and Reading square off at Goodison Park and both teams are in need of a win but for entirely different reasons. The Toffees began the campaign like a house on fire but have recently struggled to find their previously scintillating form and are coming off a FA Cup win against lowly Oldham that should have been done and dusted a couple of weeks ago.

Clearly, the resemblance is uncanny

Reading find themselves at the foot of the table, but only just. With some help in the other matches, they could pop out of the relegation zone with a win tomorrow, but they'll have to do it without Pavel Pogrebnyak who went Drago in last weekend's loss to Wigan. On paper, this should be a relatively easy Everton win, but there are goals in this Reading side and Everton have been suspiciously generous in the back, especially late on in matches. I think the Toffees storm out to an early lead only to get pegged back by Reading to set up a grandstand finish. 2-1, Everton.

Manchester United are the only side in the perennial frontrunners to yet show any semblance of the yips. They see off inferior sides and find a way to win against the other frontrunners. Whether it's 73 year old Ryan Giggs smacking one in with his ivory headed cane, hirsute Wayne Rooney cannoning in a screamer from the edge of the box, equine Robin Van Persie scoring for fun, or even Rafael blacking out and murdering a 25 yard scud into the top corner, United always seem to find the goals to win.

And speaking of "finding the goals to win," whatever Chris Hughton has done to the Canaries in recent weeks (ostensibly not using them to warn miners of impeding death), has worked wonders. This side has come a long way from the team who were thrashed by Fulham 5-0 to start the season. If Norwich find themselves down a goal with 10 minutes left to play, David de Gea will get ample opportunity against the likes of Grant Holt and Kai Kamara to prove that he's gotten over his callow attempts to claim crosses. I don't think it gets that nervy, but I also think Norwich are good for at least a goal in this contest. 2-1, United.

Southampton entertain QPR on Saturday and it looks for all the world to me like the Harry Redknapp effect has earned its few points and normalcy has returned. "Normalcy" being QPR's complete inability to execute even the basic fundamentals of sound defense while setting new standards for futility in the attacking end of the pitch.

That said, Southampton, while a little more than occasionally playing some fine attacking soccer, are also prone to a little more than occasionally pulling a Jos Hooiveld, even when it's not Jos Hooiveld executing the aforementioned Jos Hooiveld maneuver. I think there are goals in this one. 4-2, Southampton.

Murder Incorporated (aka Stoke City) play host to West Ham and all bets are off given the injuries and suspensions affecting players from both sides. Robert Huth is out for Stoke after trying to rearrange Philippe Senderos's face with his forearm in last weekend's match against Fulham (couldn't have made him uglier) , although given that they seem to have an entire squad of meat fisted center backs at their disposal, I don't think this hurts Stoke too much. West Ham are at a considerably more significant loss as Kevin Nolan is set to miss the match with a broken toe and Mark Noble has hurt his arm.

With West Ham missing arguably their two best midfielders and coming off a heart breaking loss to Gareth Bale, I think Stoke finally get back to winning ways and probably break a few legs along the way. Stoke for the 1-0 win.

Sunderland v Fulham represents a chance for the Cottagers to avenge the thumping they received from the Black Cats earlier in the season at Craven Cottage and also build on last week's victory over Stoke. I think they have every opportunity to do this against an underachieving Sunderland side, but as a Fulham supporter, I am immune to confidence and find optimism generally distasteful.

To me, the lynchpin to a successful Fulham side lies in Dimitar Berbatov's ability/desire/discipline to stay farther up the pitch than he has a tendency to do. In lieu of that, Fulham need to play with two out-and-out strikers to compensate for Berbatov's dalliances into the midfield. Given that this match is away from home, I don't think Martin Jol will start two dedicated forwards. This leaves me praying that Berbatov will draw a lesson from the Fulham "Harlem Shake" video (scroll down) and calmly occupy space in the attacking third while the other ten Fulham players go apeshit around him winning the ball, pressing Sunderland, and finding the Bulgarian in space between the Sunderland center backs. Even if all of that does come to pass, I'm still wary of Adam Johnson, Steven Fletcher, Stephane Sessegnon, and Danny Graham...and Philippe Senderos's one required moment of lunacy. Does a 1-1 draw sound about right to anyone else?

In Saturday's most tantalizing match, newly laden with silverware Swansea play host to Nouveau Chateau (aka Newcastle). This could be a really exciting match for the neutral viewer. Now that I've written that it will most probably end 0-0 and have all the drama and intrigue of your grandparent's sex life. Let's hope not.

Swansea will be well rested and full of confidence after winning an uncontested Capital One Cup and Newcastle are playing some of the most powerful and pleasing football in the league at the moment. I'm honestly at a total loss on this one. I call 3-3 in a classic, borderline William J. La Petomane Insane Prediction.

And in Saturday's final match, Liverpool travel to Wigan in a battle of ex Swansea managers, ex Swansea managers who did an excellent job setting the table for Michael Laudrup. Martinez has been trying to set his Wigan table with plastic forks, chopsticks, paper plates, a towel and a cookie tray for the last few years (and made some delicious meals in spite of these presentational limitations) and Brendan Rodgers has a table cluttered with fine china, doilies, real silver silverware, and an enormous centerpiece, but can't keep his hollandaise from separating.

Wigan throttled Reading last weekend and helped only half of my WJL Insane Prediction come true while Liverpool are coming off a similar demolition of the Swans. I see Liverpool the more likely of the two sides to continue their run of form as I think Rodgers is finally starting to put some delicious dishes in those expensive platters. Liverpool, 3-0.

Have a wonderful Saturday!                

In Which Clint Dempsey Fantasizes About Liverpool, Breaks Up With Fulham, and Bones Down With Sunderland

Full disclosure on two not-so-minor points:

1. I am a huge Clint Dempsey fan. I'm from Texas. He's from Texas. If you're from Texas too this is really all the information you need to understand my affinity for Deuce, but I'll go on for those not fortunate enough to call God's country home. He's an attack-minded, US international who never seems cowed by the moment. He has a tendency to execute the brilliant under the brightest lights. He loves rap music. 

2. I am a huge Fulham fan. I'm not sure which came first. My love of both existed for a time independent of one another, but when they came together it was sort of like Arsenal fans and self delusion; perfect for one another.  

Just so you know where I'm coming from. 

The end of last season was sort of the apex of the Fulham/Clint Dempsey relationship. Three solid seasons capped off by one legendary season and another Fans' Player of the Year Award saw Dempsey flirting with the pantheon of all time Fulham greats. Admittedly, it's not nearly as monumental a pantheon as some other clubs have, but it's respectable and to have an American hold his own with the greats of the contemporary game in the most exciting league in the world was a special treat for both Fulham supporters and US soccer fans. These were the salad days. Sure Deuce had occasionally mentioned that he wanted to play Champion's League soccer at some point in his career, but when he's wearing a Fulham kit and scoring at will against every club in the league, "some day" seems a long, long time away, not tomorrow. 

Well, it's tomorrow. 

Never mind that the club who has apparently been leering at Dempsey from across the bar is that floozy Liverpool and they aren't in Champion's League contention this season...and likely not next season either. Even the most ardent Fulham supporter will admit that Liverpool is a big club and represents a step up the ladder in the hierarchy of Premier League football even if recent seasons have not been kind to the Merseysiders, although I suspect this break up might be easier to stomach were the strumpet interceder a club like Manchester United or Real Madrid. 

What's important here is that a challenge Clint Dempsey wants to take on has (sort of) come calling. What's more important is that it appears Clint Dempsey and Liverpool have severely mismanaged this situation and it looks like it's going to come down to the transfer day deadline to unfuck the situation as it currently stands. 

From where I sit, which is admittedly at a computer in the Midwest of the United States with no inside connections to Liverpool, Fulham, or Clint Dempsey, it looks like things have gone down thusly:

Clint issued a "Come get me!" shout to the bigger clubs in the Premier League. Realistically, this was Arsenal or Liverpool. Arsene Wenger had allegedly gone after Dempsey in the January transfer window of last season in a desperate attempt to keep his side competitive after some epic mismanaging. Fulham put up too large a price tag, Wenger glued together a squad that qualified for the Champion's League, then made some big signings in the summer window, and now doesn't really need a 29 year old in the last year of his contract with a club looking to cash in on the player's massive season. Fair play, Arsenal. 

Liverpool made some of the worst flavor-of-the-month signings last season and is understandably reticent to do the same this season. You would be same way if you woke up next to Charlie Adam and Andy Carroll. They looked great at the bar, but...Plan B. So far, all Liverpool and Brendan Rodgers have done is say they admire Clint Dempsey and admitted to making an inquiry as to what sort of fee it would take to bring him to Anfield. Apparently, Fulham's asking price was a bit much for the Reds and that's where we stand. 

In the meantime, Dempsey has allegedly refused to play for Fulham in an effort to force through a move to flirtatious Liverpool. I can't blame him. He's coming off the best year of his career, he's not getting any younger, and this transfer window is likely as high as his stock will ever be. 

On the flip side, Fulham, in spite of what Mark Hughes has said, is an ambitious club and they want fair money for a player they would otherwise have to let go for free next season. For a club like Fulham, the difference between a $7 million transfer fee and a $15 million transfer fee is enormous. 

On the flip, flip side (Can you have two flip sides?), Liverpool have signed other promising players in recent days and don't appear to be losing any sleep over not having Dempsey paraded out in front of The Kop to do fancy juggling tricks and pose for pictures with a Liverpool scarf strung above his head. 

Basically, Liverpool is the hottest chick in the bar. It's a Thursday night so the bar isn't terribly crowded, but of the men in the bar, Dempsey is the best looking. Of the women, it's Liverpool. Liverpool has glanced Dempsey's way a couple of times and would go home with him if the opportunity presented itself, but there's always ice cream and Sex and the City reruns...and Friday night. Dempsey, for his part, has noticed the glances and suddenly realized that he can do better than the woman he's with and is imagining boning down with the car show model across the bar. For the record, Manchester United and Barcelona would be Victoria's Secret models. Liverpool has a banging body but wears Budweiser bikinis and poses with monster trucks.

Fulham is on Dempsey's right arm and has caught him leering at Liverpool and blowing LL Cool J kisses across the bar. Although she's pissed at Dempsey and a little hurt, she gets it. She's mostly a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl and isn't a fan of thong underwear because, you know, they're impractical. To deflect Liverpool's interest, she watches Dempsey like a hawk, makes it a point to get all schmoopy with him, and makes fuck off eyes at Liverpool every time she gets a chance. 

Liverpool, sensing a fling with Dempsey might be more drama than it's worth, starts trolling around the bar and notices a couple of Euro trash guys playing Tiesto songs on the jukebox. They're not really her type, but what the hell, right? 

Dempsey realizes his chance with the car model is slipping once he sees the Euro trash guys air humping Liverpool in their man capri pants and snaps at Fulham to back off. Like any self respecting woman, she says something like but not necessarily, "I loved you, but I'll be fine without you," and marches out of the bar. By the time Dempsey has extracted himself from his quarrel with Fulham, Liverpool has long since left the bar and may or may not be booking a room at Sybaris with the Euro trash guys.

Sitting at the bar alone, Dempsey orders a beer and wonders if he missed his chance with Liverpool and, if so, whether or not he can mend fences with Fulham and her friends. That's when a 38 year old divorcee and with bleach blonde hair and cut rate breast implants saunters up, lights a cigarette, and says something delicate like, "My name's Sunderland and I fuck like a tiger."

Double bag it, Deuce.