Live Blog: Yanks v Catrachos

Well, we're back at it again for the USMNT's World Cup qualifier v Honduras. I'm getting warmed up with a few Kalibers (it's a school night) and am trying to find some salve some balm some soothing remedy to take the edge off of having to listen to Alexi Lalas do his Devil's-advocate-moral-pedant-smug-I'm-that-much-more-clever-than-you-soccer-Confucius routine. Mercifully, these performances are separated by at least 45 minutes of relative calm, but I'm open to suggestions on what might do the trick. I'm hard on Alexi, but it's because I care.

To me, this photo says, "You know what, Ric Flair!"

Stay tuned! We'll (I'll) be back in about an hour. Come on you Yanks!

USMNT starting lineup: Howard, Johnson, Besler, Gonzalez, Evans, E. Johnson, Dempsey, Bradley, Jones, Zusi, Altidore.

DMB on the ban for accumulation of yellows. No Fab Johnson in the midfield. *Sniff*. I'm beginning to think our left back situation is a little like England's left winger curse. I mean seriously, what do we have to do to get a functional, steady left back? Beasley has been surprisingly good, but he's a stopgap. Fab Johnson always looks much better to me when he's allowed to run on the wings and play with the confidence that he knows there's someone there to put out fires behind him. If you're like 15 to 18 years old and you're somehow reading this and you carry a US passport and you have even an outside shot at being a professional caliber left back, MAKE THAT HAPPEN. In fact, stop reading this. Go outside and work on your fitness and your touch. If you have an older, bigger, faster brother, just try to win the ball off of him over and over again. Do it 1,000 times and then do it again. If this can take place in a misty forest or on a cloud shrouded mountain, all the better.  

Altidore could have a field day against the Honduras center backs. They're inexperienced and not quite the physical specimens Josmer is.

Honduras starting lineup: Valladares, Peralta, Colon, Montes, Izaguirre, Claros, Palacios, Martinez, Espinoza, Najar, Costly.

Side note: How the H do you make accents and tildes and umlauts and whatnot on Blogger whilst using a Mac?! Seriously, I need to know.

Over/under 60% chance the telecast catches Bengston dressed as Elvis in the nosebleeds at Rio Tinto? Also, Gonzalez and Besler cannot allow Costly to find space between them or it could prove...wait for it...costly. I'll be here all night.

What's the general sentiment on the US short sleeved Henley shirts with the stars pocket? Love 'em? Hate 'em? Better than the '94 World Cup kit? I think I could get much more onboard with them if they were paired with these -

Amiright?

Whoa! Twellsy looks decidedly scruffy and weathered. Sort of a Marlboro Man/J Crew model/Mad Men mash up. Don't like the polka dot pocket square with the plaid shirt though. It's just a little too much for me. Other than that, looking dapper, Taylor. Looking dapper.

Just noticed Old Glory is essentially the same thing as Twellsy's pocket square/plaid shirt faux pas. Crap. Is our flag busy?! Do we have a busy flag?!

Here we go! Teams walking out on the field and...holy shit! Manuel Noriega is the center official!

Espinoza must be thinking, "Crap, these jerseys look just like Wigan's."

Well, we're off.

2' Free kick for USMNT. Zusito take. Deuce still hasn't hooked him up with Tottenham's hair guy. I'm beginning to think Zusi WANTS to look like an Omaha soccer mom. His choice, I suppose.

4' Deuce with an insect in his eye? An insect? Y'all, Honduras brought insects. Insects!

5' Honduras is already looking more capable than Panama did. I can't help but wonder how much the absence of Blas Perez defanged them. Perhaps the goalfest v a German C team and the comfortable win over a Panama side lacking a pointy end to its stick have been given too much weight.

8' Of course I say that and then we narrowly miss two decent chances at the other end.

9' That was well done by Bradley, but I don't want to see him have to dribble five guys in the middle of the field very often.

10' You knew that was coming! JJ with the yellow. Looks a little off the pace, but just as ill-tempered as always.

13' Panama's midfield < Honduras's midfield.

I'll be honest, this is an alarming start. Some rash challenges flying in. Bradley had a studs up effort right before Fab wrote his name in the book with what I thought was a lesser offense. Everyone's got a case of the Joneses.

17' Outstanding combination play through the midfield ending in a good Altidore chance. Seeing eye pass from Bradley and a good one touch ball outside to Fab. Shades of Altidore's Panama goal...minus the end result of course.

18' DEUCE! I would have put my house on him getting his head on that and putting it in the net. I would have lost my house. Full disclosure: I do not own a house.

Does Jozy have a touch of Kanye about him? In the face, I mean? Yeezus.

25' There's a sniper in the stands.

Match has hit a bit of a disjointed spell. Both sides have sort of weathered one another's storm and now things have settled into a series of sixty yard passes to no one.

28' Jozy did great work to try to win that back and I love it, but that probably should have been a yellow. Honduras is loving this script right now.

31' Well, they're booing Costly, but it looks like he's legitimately pulled his calf. This is going to be...wait for it...costly for Honduras. I know, I know. You're in stitches.

32' And here's the change. Rojas on for Costly. Is there a way to take back the "Stop being a pussy"chant?

33' JJ with a strong run forward up the right channel and he wins a foul on the edge of the Honduras penalty area. Deuce with the strike but he pings it off a Honduran forehead.

36' The range of passing here is impressive and EJ did well to stay onside and get behind the Honduran defense. However, that seems to be plans A through Z right now and we're playing Honduras at home. Like I said before, the wins over Germany and Panama were awesome, but they may have been more curb appeal and less dry basement. That's a home buying analogy.

40' Jozy's effort is there, but it's being channeled for evil instead of good right now. He's fighting an inner battle between AZ Jozy and USMNT Jozy.

A US goal just before half time would be huge.

41' A short corner? Really? And no service? They know Colon is 5'7 right? Right?

45' Just after Deuce and Jozy narrowly miss combining, Gonzalez blacks out and has his one requisite calamitous moment. Howard bails him out and then eats a chunk of his ass. In fairness to Gonzo, it was a bad giveaway to begin with, but his failure to close is inexcusable.

Well, there's half time. I feel like the Yanks were maybe a little too keen on themselves following the Panama dismantling. Honduras is doing a very good job closing down the passing lanes and hammering whichever US player is in possession nearly as soon as he crosses midfield and certainly when he receives the ball with his back to goal. US has been unlucky on a number of occasions to not connect with the final ball or spring the offside trap with a long ball over the top.

Having said that, Honduras is more than a little bit in this match and should be up 1-0 courtesy of some slack defending.

Takeaways: Gonzo does his best work unopposed. I need my Johnsons in the midfield. Everyone has a case of the Joneses. Twellsy's pocket square and shirt combo still hasn't grown on me.

If I had a red phone to Jurgen (I don't) I leave the side on the field unchanged. I get Cameron and Kljestan moving though and think about bringing Davis on for EJ.

I hate to say this, but I just had a premonition. US red card.

45' Why in Sam Hill did Evans play that ball all the way back? Free in the right channel and had an opportunity to get it in the box.

48' There's that same too long long ball.

49' Good ball in from Zusi, but Gonzo couldn't steer it home. Ian Darke just informed me that Gonzo was a college striker. My world makes so, so, so, so much more sense. Besler is still my horse. He's a little horse. Not quite a miniature pony, but a little guy. Like one of those horses the Comanches rode. Fast, strong, but not much to look at. Yeah, that's it. Besler is a Comanche horse.

I feel like the fans in Utah are the same fans from Seattle, but that they've been up this whole time and now reek of cigarettes, light beer, and NoDoz.

If you're Wilson Palacios and you're a hatchet man and you can't get into the Stoke City side...well, I don't know.

56' Great ball in from Zusi off the set piece and Evans should have buried that. Hit it right at the keeper. Also, did anyone notice Twellsy make zero sense there? Said, "That ball needs to go right back where it came from, the back of the net." It came from the back of the net? Polk dot pocket square and plaid shirt? Those concussions were legit.

And on cue, there's a shot of Davis and Cameron warming up.

59' Goal disallowed for offside on Altidore, but that was bright move.

Dempsey's touch is just on a different level than any other US player. Looks effortless.

61' That was a horribly ill-advised pass from JJ. Could have been a goal for Honduras. Bring on Cameron.

63' Holy shit! Hand of God there! Or at least John the Baptist. This match has that feel about it. And by "that feel" I, of course mean the "it's-just-not-our-day" feel.

Ooh! I figured it out. Graham Zusi is a young Mel Kiper Jr. Hang on, I'll Google a pic...

Add a headband and subtract 20 year. Zusi.

69' Match is starting to get stretched a bit.

70' Remember what I said about "that feel"? Dempsey and then Bradley should have scored.

With Zusi finding so much joy down the left, it seems unlikely Davis will come on now to replace Johnson. I like Davis, but Zusi is having a field day over there and Davis's right foot is just for standing on. Like, literally. He has a handicapped placard in his car because he will literally fall over if he stands on one foot. Scout's honor.

73' ALTIDORE! And it came from Johnson getting forward. Please, please, please, please, please always let my Fab Johnson play on the left wing.

75' Well, what do I know. I'm surprised Zusi is coming off because he's been our fire starter going forward in the second half. I completely understand Cameron for Jones though. Boniek Garcia is on for Honduras as well. Still remember watching the original Boniek play on old VHS cassettes. Cat could ball.

78' Jozy almost had two. Great cut back and then a decent strike forces the keeper into a save.

80' There's my Besler...er, little horse. But like a badass little horse. Don't forget.

Cameron has to be giving Klinsman something to think about. He looks very sharp in midfield and his range of passing, at least in the last two matches, doesn't seem to be too lacking in relation to Jones. I think his versatility is working against him.

83' Cameron started that move with great, calm play under pressure and then a good pass out to Davis who won the corner.

84' Besler. Comanche horse.

87' Castillo on for EJ. Edgar looks like a little kid from a cereal commercial to me. I just can't take the tattoos seriously. I used to use my mom's makeup when I was a kid to paint gruesome black eyes on my face in order to look like I'd been doing some cool, tough, guy shit. In retrospect, people probably either thought I was a future drag queen or, if I'd done an exceptionally good makeup job that day, that my parents were routinely beating the hell out of me. Anyway, what am I trying to say? Oh yeah, Edgar Castillo's tattoos just don't look right. He's like a kid playing dress-up. Or black eye up. Whatever.

93' Cameron again with good play pushing forward.

This should do it.

95' Look at Jozy getting back there and putting in a tackle! Kid could be on the cusp of something HUGE, both for the national team and in his club career.

Well, that was an escape. The first half was poor and I don't think there's any other way to paint that. Team seemed disjointed and half awake. Credit where credit is due, however. The side fought back in the second half and willed its way to a goal and those are the sorts of games that make good teams good teams.

Just listening to the Jozy interview at the end of the match. Hint of a Dutch lisp there? Or have I just never noticed how pronounced Josmer's speech particularities are?

Takeaways: This team can win ugly with lots of miles in its legs. Besler is a Comanche horse and I love him (minus the giveaway). Lil Edgar Castillo is adorable and not at all believable with his tattoos. Zusi has to be the Man of the Match. Minus his God awful hairstyle, he was a terror on the left flank in the second half and it seemed like all the dangerous US moves came through him. I have to believe the Davis substitution was decided upon before the goal and I can't blame Klinsy for wanting to get some fresh legs in there, but Zusi was seemingly at the apex of his purple patch. That's a pretty weak criticism though.

It would be easier to go after the effort, tactics, and general disjointed appearance of the team in the first half, but with all the recent matches, players out with yellow card accumulation, and Jones coming back from a spell on the sideline with a concussion, it would really be just bitching for bitching's sake and no one likes that.

If anything, tonight's match showed how important Fabian Johnson is to the team as a left sided midfielder. When he was able to get forward, it wasn't as noticeable, but without Johnson on the left providing width and a consistent threat with his service, the team looked narrow and far too reliant on Michael Bradley picking out a run from Dempsey, Altidore, or EJ to spring the offside trap. I have to wonder if Altidore's comments after the match, something along the lines of "[Johnson's] been doing that all year for his club in Germany," were intended as kind of an extra nudge to make sure he gets penciled into that spot as a regular. And yes, I know he was playing at left back, but what he provides defensively in no way warrants what you give up going forward if you start him at left back. The "you" being Klinsy. I see no reason why Lil Edgar couldn't have started there and allowed Johnson more freedom to go forward from the first whistle. Especially since the match was a home one and the side was riding a comfortable high, in no small part due to Fab Johnson's contributions on the flank.

I'm splitting hairs now. Three points. Boom!

Thanks for reading and commenting. Come on you Yanks!

The USMNT: Double, Double Toil and Trouble

Let's set the record straight on something before we even get started. Brian Straus's article on the United States Men's National Team, which appeared earlier this week on the Sporting News website, was a well written, relevant, timely, and pertinent piece of journalism. The only way I can be convinced otherwise is if someone steps forward with evidence that Straus fabricated all of those anonymous quotes and has a secret voodoo shrine above his fireplace dedicated to the professional ruination of Jurgen Klinsmann. To all the rabid fans out there calling for blood, the team isn't going to win or lose based on an article written by a responsible journalist. The story was there. He reported it.

It's the intervening days since the article was published - the actions of the players and Klinsmann himself - and the looming dates with Costa Rica and Mexico that are the real stories now. So what do we have?

Well, unless, as I said before, Straus pulled all of those anonymous quotes from thin air, the USMNT has a legitimate chemistry issue. Klinsmann, Carlos Bocanegra, Clint Dempsey, Michael Bradley, Tim Howard, and Herculez Gomez have all stepped forward in the last 48 hours and engaged in the time honored tradition of athletes everywhere by saying the right things to the media about team spirit, mutual support, and focusing on the task at hand, ostensibly the match against Costa Rica.

Back to the wall. Klinsmann's theories need to become results.

 Reading between the lines a bit, and given that none of the aforementioned players suggested that there was no substance to the quotes in the Straus article, one can assume that the chemistry issues are being addressed in the locker room. Unfortunately, the likes of Dempsey, Bradley, and Gomez will have to handle this issue themselves as elder statesmen and universally respected leaders Bocanegra and Howard are not in Denver through injury and form respectively.

Which leads to another strange and troubling chapter in this rapidly developing saga. What's the deal with Carlos Bocanegra? He was given an entirely unexpected spot on the bench for the loss to Honduras in a match that was crying out for senior leadership and experience in the defensive third. This week he was stripped of his captaincy and dropped from the squad altogether. To his credit, Bocanegra has been his usual classy, well-spoken, and mature self when addressing these issues to the media, but one has to wonder what is going on behind the scenes.

Bocanegra is no spring chicken and Klinsmann is right to be vetting viable alternatives in the US defense, but there has to be a middle ground between ignoring the problem and Klinsmann's chosen hell-bent-for-leather path of throwing the spring lambs to the wolves. Klinsmann has suggested that Bocanegra's lack of form with his club is the reason for his recent exclusion from the squad, but time and again Klinsmann has strayed from this guiding principle by either including an out-of-form player or excluding a player on a hot streak.

This sort of inconsistent decision making and incongruity between speech and action is exactly the sort of behavior for which Straus's article criticizes Klinsmann and it wouldn't surprise me at all to learn that he and Bocanegra had some sort of disagreement regarding the direction of the team. That's purely conjecture and I could be totally off base, but the treatment of Bocanegra seems to have everyone doing that little sideways, ear pricked head tilt Golden Retrievers do when they hear an unfamiliar sound.

Thrown into all of this is the embryonic backfiring of the Germans-as-Americans experiment begun under Bob Bradley and taken to Weapon X proportions by Klinsmann. Again, everyone is saying the right things. Klinsmann has said, "I believe Americans are Americans no matter if they grow up in Japan, South Africa, or Buenos Aires." While this is a politically correct thing to say, true for the American diaspora, and generally a good thing, what the USMNT is dealing with right now is in no way general. It's very, very, very specific and it involves importing players who may be American in paperwork only to be lynchpins on a national team that has seen its greatest successes come through the emotional unity of being an American underdog.

Yes, the USMNT has fielded players in the past - Thomas Dooley, David Regis, Ernie Stewart - who essentially became American by donning the national team jersey, but those players came into the squad as individuals and were quickly assimilated into the team ethos. By contrast, Fabian Johnson, Timmy Chandler, Danny Williams, Terrance Boyd, and to a lesser extent Jermain Jones, have all come into the USMNT at the same time. It's tough to see how they could not not form a clique, if not out of perceived superiority then certainly out of common experience and a language barrier.

And now Klinsmann has named Clint Dempsey captain for the next two qualifiers against Costa Rica and Mexico. This is another Golden Retriever decision for me. It's not that I don't think Dempsey is deserving of this sort of honor, but that, given his form and recent injury issues at Tottenham (again with the club form thing) and Michael Bradley's emergence as a vocal, world class midfield motor, I would have thought Bradley would be a shoe in. Dempsey is more of a get on with it, silent, chip-on-the-shoulder type and perhaps Klinsmann is hoping this will rub off on the rest of the team, but I can't help but think those anonymous sources of Straus might be throwing their hands up at this decision as further proof that Klinsmann is a master tinkerer with very little end product.

So now it's do or die time. At the bare minimum, the USMNT has to get at least a point from these next two matches. Realistically, they have to get three. I don't see the current state of the side remaining unclear after the Costa Rica and Mexico matches. The Straus article and the panicked attention it has brought to the team will result in either a backs-to-the-wall, us-against-them stand that sees the USMNT through these next two fixtures and well on the way to a galvanizing qualification campaign, or the Yanks will implode in a spectacular show of underachievement and caustic finger pointing clouded in a haze of ambiguous and impotent Klinsmann platitudes.

When will we know?

When the hurlyburly's done, when the battle's lost and won.      

A Five Beer Analysis of The USMNT v Los Catrachos

I'm currently coming down (up?) from the emotion of right about 6PM EST and I'm feeling tentatively capable of putting fingertip to keyboard in an effort to process some of my thoughts regarding the US Men's National Team's loss today to Los Catrachos. It helps that I have a six pack of Rogue Dead Guy Ale in the fridge. Well, a five pack anyway. One down.

Two caveats:

1. Due credit to Honduras. This Honduras side is not your grandfather's Honduras side. They qualified for the 2010 FIFA World Cup Finals and they seem dead set on repeating the feat in 2014. They are physical, fast, aggressive, and technically sound. Bonus points for having a jeans and faded polo wearing coach. He's like the anti Jose Mourinho. Many will decry the state of the pitch, the heat, and the humidity as being key, anti-US factors during today's match, but at this level, good teams should be able to overcome such discomforts and the Honduran players seemed to have absolutely no problem with the weather conditions.

Mandatory equipment this evening. 

2. This isn't a death sentence for the USMNT. CONCACAF qualifying is a slog. There are no easy games in the hexagonal round and a 2-1 defeat to Honduras in San Pedro De Sula isn't the worst thing that could happen.

Now that we have some perspective, let's talk about the match in a level-headed, sensible manner.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS JURGEN KLINSMANN THINKING?!?!?!

I  mean, good God, you've only days before fielded an entirely experimental side against a distinctly inferior opponent and called for calm in the wake of a horrifically amateurish performance using the excuse that it was an entirely experimental side in a nothing match and you were using the opportunity to bleed some young players into the full national team. Today, you run out Tim Chandler and Omar Gonzalez, two peripheral personalities in the full national side and you expected them to perform like precision machined replacement parts in a well oiled machine?

I mean, all week we've been hearing about San Pedro De Sula and how dangerous it is and about how passionate the Honduran fans are and about how hot and humid it is and about how CONCACAF qualifying is a long, arduous, difficult process and about how Grant Wahl was mugged there moments after meeting the Honduran president and about how important senior leadership is in away qualifying matches and about how Grant Wahl can't leave his hotel room and about how huge the strides are that Los Catrachos have taken in the last six years and did I mention how many times Grant Wahl has personally related his story about being mugged there?! And in response, we run out a starting XI that, while not experimental in formation, was decidedly experimental in personnel selection?

Hang on. I'm headed to the fridge for another beer.

Listen, I still have faith in the USMNT's ability to qualify for the World Cup in Brazil, but today's match, for me, was less about an undesirable outcome and more about the odd player selection and the manner in which said players were deployed. With Grant Wahl's unintentional help, I think we've established how difficult CONCACAF qualifying matches are when they're played away from home. In these sorts of situations, veteran leaders are necessarily relied upon for their experience, leadership, and general unflappability. Why Omar Gonzalez was starting in central defense next to Geoff Cameron, a player who hasn't played at center back for a considerable amount of time, is beyond me. Carlos Bocanegra is getting long in the tooth and Gonzalez would appear to be the future, but in this sort of match I want and need Bocanegra's experience and maturity marshaling the back line. On Honduras' first goal, I'm pretty sure Boca would have gone ahead and closed the service after the corner kick instead of tepidly running out to the left edge of the eighteen, having a think, and then crawfishing his way back into the area to nearly get kicked in the face while Juan Garcia posterized him.

Tim Chandler: Cap tied. 

The absence of Steve Cherundolo is more excusable as the right back stalwart and seemingly ageless wonder was ruled out of this match through injury. Having said that, watching Tim Chandler awkwardly run about and look totally out of his depth had me thinking, "This is what all the teeth gnashing was about? No wonder Germany didn't lock him up." He was more Timmy Burch from Southpark than Tim Chandler, saviour of American soccer's right flank. That was a short honeymoon. Chandler is cap-tied now and needs to get his shit in one sock ASAP. I know one game does not a career make, but Chandler looked consistently exposed, gassed, out paced, and decidedly un-Cherundolo like. There was a moment about three fourths of the way through the first half when Chandler was closing the ball down the right flank that I seriously thought was going to end with him on his back and a defibrillator hustled out onto the field. In a team that looked like it was playing underwater, Chandler looked like the manatee.

Hang on. That manatee reference made me thirsty.

Where were we? Ah, yes, the defense. Geoff Cameron is a legitimate talent and an incredibly versatile player. As The Shin Guardian would say, "He's a peanut butter kind of player." That is to say, he's versatile, smooth, and capable of holding different parts of the field cohesively together. While this is true, Cameron has been recently deployed for both club and country as a right back, center back, defensive midfielder, and attacking midfielder, it doesn't mean that he's particularly world class yet at any one position. Next to someone with the experience and leadership of Carlos Bocanegra, playing Cameron at center back is a calculated risk. Playing him at center back in an away qualifying match next to a green international is bat shit crazy.

On Honduras' second goal, Cameron failed to deal with a through ball he probably should have. In another match, maybe he gets away with it if his partner in central defense is alert to the possibility that things don't always go as planned and, hey, the ball could wind up on a platter for the guy I'm supposed to be marking. *Cough*, Omar Gonzalez. I think Bocanegra probably helps deal with that situation either by screaming his head off to make sure Cameron knows he has to deal with the ball or by tracking all the way back to cover behind the onrushing Tim Howard. Either way, he doesn't pull an Omar Gonzalez, start to track his man, think better of it, immediately regret his decision, and then wind up lunging desperately at the ball as Jerry Bengston scores the easiest goal of his international career.

Fuck. Fridge time.

There were some bright spots. Tim Howard did what Tim Howard does and can hardly be faulted on at least the first goal. Clint Dempsey scored a beautiful volley off a lovely chipped pass from Jermaine Jones. Seriously, it's a small thing, but the technique required to turn his foot over to hit that ball with his instep rather than the side of his foot is to be applauded. Classy finish. Jozy Altidore, although he had a serious drought of service, showed enough effort and desire to defend from the front that I think he may have taken to heart what is required to start for a national team. Midway through the first half, he chased a lost ball and put in a hard tackle to force a Honduras throw deep in their defensive third rather than allow the easy clearance back up the field. It sucks that I'm referencing Altidore slide tackles as bright spots, but I'm trying to stay away from the refrigerator for a couple of paragraphs.

Take aways from this match? A lot of attention has been directed at the defense and how it needs to adjust and improve with the looming retirements of Carlos Bocanegra and Steve Cherundolo. I don't think that attention has been unwarranted and this afternoon's showing did nothing to assuage any fears. We're not blessed with a high capacity pipeline of players who can immediately plug into the national team set up. Gonzalez and Chandler have potential, but they aren't there quite yet and were cruelly exposed today.

"How was the game, guys?"

An equally pressing matter perhaps, is the lack of out-and-out wide players on the squad who can serve a ball and stretch a defense both horizontally and vertically. In the 4-3-1-2 the United States started in, with Eddie Johnson playing an odd left sided striker/winger combo role, the team seemed narrow and easily closed down (Landon Donovan). Klinsmann undoubtedly was counting on Fabian Johnson and Tim Chandler (Landon Donovan) to provide some width, but neither of them was able to get into the attack effectively and generally showed no impetus to do so (Landon Donovan). With legitimate wide threats (Landon Donovan), Klinsmann could have made a tactical adjustment to take some of the possession pressure off of the central midfielders and pin the Honduran attack back on the flanks (Landon Donovan), but all that was in his back pocket was Graham Zusi and Sacha Kljestan (Landon Donovan), two players naturally suited and more comfortable with central roles. The result was predictable. Needing a goal late in the game, the US was unable to find any width, stretch the Honduran defense, or serve a single quality ball into a dangerous area (Landon Donovan). If only we had a seasoned international with pace and the ability to play on either flank and produce quality service. Maybe one of these days.

Ugh. I want to end this with a carefully crafted and curled bow cascading in red, white, and blue, but I'm currently left with more questions than clear or even vaguely clear answers. Like I said before, today's result isn't a death sentence, but it was certainly an alarming knee-buckler. Here's to hoping we can get it sorted out. Was that a toast? I'm headed back to the fridge.
  

 

Transfer Window Winners and Losers

The dust has settled on the latest transfer window and now that we've got a week of post window fixtures to digest and an international break in which to do it, we can all get down to the serious business of asking ourselves what, exactly the fuck, just happened.

I don't watch a lot of TV, but I imagine the transfer window is like the best reality show ever spread out across a month of intrigue and backbiting. Long time relationships fracture and split; floozies make eyes at taken men from across the bar; alliances are broken while accusations fly; and when we hit the season finale, some teams are caught out and get voted off the island while others get a rose and an all expense paid trip to Hawaii with a dreamy bachelor. The rest survive for another episode. It's trashy and voyeuristic and I love it. 

Winners:

1. Manchester United - I know Robin van Persie is prone to injury, going gray, and decidedly equine in his facial features, but he's showing no sign of coming down from the insane season he had last year and with Fat Wayne Rooney split open like an overcooked sausage, United is his team to run. All those questions about how RVP and FWR (Fat Wayne Rooney in case you missed it earlier) are going to play together have been rendered moot by Van Persie's goals and Rooney's disgustingly gashed disgusting thigh. Bold prediction: If RVP stays healthy, he may score more than he did last year. 

Shinji Kagawa also looks a really good bit of business and has been impressive in his first few matches. He strikes me a bit as a Japanese Luka Modric and if United can get their defensive midfield berth sorted out, he could have a very successful season running behind the front two...or just RVP. 

In the category of intangible wins and losses, RVP seemingly chose United over Manchester City. Only in the world of modern football could this be considered a win for the underdog, but given that Sheik Mansoor likely wipes his ass with gold leaf, RVP's choice is definitely a middle finger to The Man. 

2. Michael Owen - As with Owen Hargreaves last year, Michael Owen has landed on another Premier League payroll. Well played, Michael. Well played. He's pulled a Michael Owen Hargreaves. Mostly this consists of a dance routine to ABBA's "Take a Chance on Me" to prove he's not injured.

3. Tottenham - I still think Andre Villas-Boas will find a way to screw this up, most likely by pissing off broad swaths of his own players, but Tottenham very quietly made some stellar moves in the transfer market. They offloaded old, dead or dying weight; loaned out young promising players who will get oodles of first team action with their new teams; and signed exciting, established players who are arguably in the prime of their careers. 

Offloaded: Niko Kranjcar, Vedran Corluka, Ryan Nelsen, Louis Saha, Sebastien Bassong, David Bentley (It's only a loan, but seriously?!), and Giovani dos Santos

Cashed in on: Luka Modric, Steven Pienaar, and Rafael van der Vaart 

Loaned out: Danny Rose, Harry Kane, and John Bostock

Signed: Gylfi Sigurdsson, Jan Vertonghen, Emmanuel Adebayor, Moussa Dembele, Clint Dempsey, and Hugo Lloris

Tell me how any of this is bad business? Except, obviously, the fact that Bentley was only sent out on loan. For my money, Spurs suddenly look scary good and if/when AVB, aka Euro Inspector Gadget, screws this up he may never manage at the top of the game again. 

4. Clint Dempsey - I don't know how the kid keeps pulling this stuff off. I'm guessing he has Tony Robbins on speed dial and is practicing some crazy Scientology positive self-talk routine. To pick up where my previous post about Clint Dempsey left off, Liverpool is in the bar slutting it up. Dempsey is in Dutch with Fulham. Sunderland looks like she's going to be the hottest option left at closing time. Dempsey doesn't bite even after Sunderland's fat friend Aston Villa makes a pass at him. By this point, Liverpool has left the bar and is dry humping Daniel Sturridge's leg outside in the parking lot. Sunderland and Aston Villa have gone home with men more in their league. Fulham is at home throwing Dempsey's clothes out on the lawn. The bartender has flipped on the lights and announced last call. Deuce takes one last pull on his beer, closes his tab, and then turns to walk out the door. That's when Tottenham comes barging into the bar looking like Kate Upton doing the Cat Daddy, points at Dempsey, and says, "You're coming home with me." Seriously, how does he pull this shit off?

5. West Ham - Everyone is going to point to the fact that their marquee signing, Andy Carroll -who would have thought those words would ever be written in that order again? - picked up a nasty hamstring injury and is out for at least six weeks. Fair play, but did you see how well he played in the first seventy odd minutes against Fulham? West Ham and Sam Allardyce suit his skill set perfectly and I suspect having Kevin Nolan, his best mate/babysitter, around will do wonders for his focus and peace of mind. The thing I'd be worried about, were I a West Ham fan, is what happens when, not if, Liverpool recall Carroll and his silly ponytail? Hopefully for West Ham, by the time that happens survival will be secure and they can coast in for the remainder of the season. The additional signings of Matt Jarvis and Yossi Benayoun will go a long way toward insuring that happens. Neither of these guys is going to set the world on fire, but they're smart, modest buys and Benayoun is an old crowd favorite who should excel away from the rarified air of the likes of Arsenal, Liverpool, and Chelsea. 

6. Swansea - How a team loses Brendan Rodgers, Gylfi Sigurdson, and Scott Sinclair and plays football that is arguably even more eye pleasing and attacking than last year's vintage is beyond me. Granted, the season is young, but Michael Laudrup is pulling a Spanish Arsene Wenger and importing all sorts of young, exciting Iberian talent, and he's doing it for a steal. Chico, Michu, Jonathan de Guzman, and Pablo Hernandez have all arrived in Wales and their combined cost is something like 14 million pounds. To put that in perspective, Steven Fletcher alone cost Sunderland 14 million pounds. Steven Fletcher is not worth 14 million pounds and I'm guessing that by the end of the season Chico, Michu, de Guzman, and Hernandez are worth much, much more. 14 Million pounds for Steven Fletcher?! Steven Fletcher?! Jesus. 

7. Steven Fletcher - See above.

8. Dimitar Berbatov - Berbatov sneaks on to the Winner's List because he found a way around the log jam that is Manchester United's strike force and landed at a club where he will, in all likelihood, be the first name on the team sheet most matches. Additionally, Berbatov will be reunited with a manager who loves and values him and will allow him to move his collection of Sartre, Camus, and Marcel into the locker room, smoke his Gauloises on the sideline during training sessions, and sip espresso from an impossibly tiny cup at press conferences.  

9. Romelu Lukaku - Gets out from behind Fernando "Delicious Face" Torres. Can go Beast Mode at West Brom. 

Push:

Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal - I don't know what to make of these three sides and their efforts this transfer window. All three made notable acquisitions, lost important players, and pulled the trigger on some head scratchers. Of the three, I'm most inclined to worry about Arsenal simply because no one seems to have told Arsene Wenger that he still needs players across the back. Also, what the hell happened to the truckloads of cash that United and Barcelona dumped into Arsenal's coffers? If you sell your talisman, you've got to make a marquee signing...don't you? Anyone? 

Losers: 

1. Liverpool - Liverpool continues to fuck up everything it touches. Seriously. Liverpool is that kid from elementary school who had really thick glasses at far too young an age, two inhalers, and a perpetually runny nose. Your teacher would say something like, "If everyone has out his/her science textbook in ten seconds then we'll all play Heads Up Seven Up after the lesson!" Everyone scrambles to pull out his/her science book, shuts up, and sits attentive and ready for the lesson. Then the teacher says, "Almost, class! Maybe next time." Then everyone turns around and Liverpool is fumbling with his English book and dripping snot on the sleeve of his sweatshirt. The whole class moans in unison, "Liverpoooooool!" 

Not only did liverpool fail to address any of the issues they failed to address last transfer window, but they offloaded all of the failed answers to the issues they previously failed to address. Make sense? All that's important here is the word "fail." It's becoming synonymous with Liverpool no matter who takes the reins or puts on the shirt. The Clint Dempsey situation was epically bumbled and Liverpool seem to be the most blamable bumblers. How do you not sign a twenty goal scorer who is practically begging to play for you and costs seven million pounds less than Steven Fletcher? Liverpoooooool! 

2. Fulham - It pains me to write this, but The Cottagers may be in for a long season. I'm a huge Clint Dempsey fan, but I think he is and was replaceable, especially with signings like Berbatov and Mladen Petric providing more attacking play farther up the field. What worries me, and by "worries me" I mean scares the shit out of me, is who is going to replace Moussa Dembele? Martin Jol should get a Football Nobel for moving Dembele back into the midfield. He's an incredible combination of skill, grace, guile, power, vision, and speed and he's still just a kid. I get that when a club like Tottenham comes along and whips out the checkbook and you're a club like Fulham, you have a price, but it's not like no one saw this coming and it would have been nice to have a Plan B. Side note: Kieron Richardson is not Plan B.

3. Any Combination of Geoff Cameron, Charlie Adam, Steven N'Zonzi, and Maurice Edu - Stoke signed an entire team of midfielders in the transfer window, many of whom play essentially the same role, and they offloaded virtually none of the midfielders they already had who play essentially the same role as the guys they just signed...who play essentially the same role. Did I say that already? All four of the new guys are more than capable Stoke caliber players. Who wastes away on the bench?

4. QPR - The Hoops have an incredible team...if it were 2005. With the exception of Junior Hoilett, this is a side that is well past its sell by date. Robert Green, Andy Johnson, Jose Bosingwa, Park Ji-Sung, Julio Cesar, and Ryan Nelsen were all brought in this transfer window. Are any of these guys part of Mark Hughes' future plans for the club? Do his future plans for the club involve soft foods and sponge baths? Did Hughes have to see Robert Green play in person before he realized he was terrible? Maybe QPR is strapped for cash and they always have team dinners at the same place and maybe that place offers a seniors' discount. Otherwise, I'm flummoxed. Remember when Sparky said he left Fulham because they weren't ambitious enough? Hilarious.

5. Aston Villa - The Villains have to be relegation candidates now, don't they? They singed some good young players, but from where I'm sitting, they lack the established players needed to keep them from a relegation scrap come April. Alex McLeish has to be the most hated man in Birmingham. 

6. Wigan - Every year they make this list and every year they find a way make it not mean much. Roberto Martinez is managing a side of six pub players, a few Special Olympians, three nuns, an Orangutan, five trapeze artists, and one of those plastic silhouettes used to make a wall on the training pitch. And they still stay up every year. Greatest. Manager. Ever. 

In Which Clint Dempsey Fantasizes About Liverpool, Breaks Up With Fulham, and Bones Down With Sunderland

Full disclosure on two not-so-minor points:

1. I am a huge Clint Dempsey fan. I'm from Texas. He's from Texas. If you're from Texas too this is really all the information you need to understand my affinity for Deuce, but I'll go on for those not fortunate enough to call God's country home. He's an attack-minded, US international who never seems cowed by the moment. He has a tendency to execute the brilliant under the brightest lights. He loves rap music. 

2. I am a huge Fulham fan. I'm not sure which came first. My love of both existed for a time independent of one another, but when they came together it was sort of like Arsenal fans and self delusion; perfect for one another.  

Just so you know where I'm coming from. 

The end of last season was sort of the apex of the Fulham/Clint Dempsey relationship. Three solid seasons capped off by one legendary season and another Fans' Player of the Year Award saw Dempsey flirting with the pantheon of all time Fulham greats. Admittedly, it's not nearly as monumental a pantheon as some other clubs have, but it's respectable and to have an American hold his own with the greats of the contemporary game in the most exciting league in the world was a special treat for both Fulham supporters and US soccer fans. These were the salad days. Sure Deuce had occasionally mentioned that he wanted to play Champion's League soccer at some point in his career, but when he's wearing a Fulham kit and scoring at will against every club in the league, "some day" seems a long, long time away, not tomorrow. 

Well, it's tomorrow. 

Never mind that the club who has apparently been leering at Dempsey from across the bar is that floozy Liverpool and they aren't in Champion's League contention this season...and likely not next season either. Even the most ardent Fulham supporter will admit that Liverpool is a big club and represents a step up the ladder in the hierarchy of Premier League football even if recent seasons have not been kind to the Merseysiders, although I suspect this break up might be easier to stomach were the strumpet interceder a club like Manchester United or Real Madrid. 

What's important here is that a challenge Clint Dempsey wants to take on has (sort of) come calling. What's more important is that it appears Clint Dempsey and Liverpool have severely mismanaged this situation and it looks like it's going to come down to the transfer day deadline to unfuck the situation as it currently stands. 

From where I sit, which is admittedly at a computer in the Midwest of the United States with no inside connections to Liverpool, Fulham, or Clint Dempsey, it looks like things have gone down thusly:

Clint issued a "Come get me!" shout to the bigger clubs in the Premier League. Realistically, this was Arsenal or Liverpool. Arsene Wenger had allegedly gone after Dempsey in the January transfer window of last season in a desperate attempt to keep his side competitive after some epic mismanaging. Fulham put up too large a price tag, Wenger glued together a squad that qualified for the Champion's League, then made some big signings in the summer window, and now doesn't really need a 29 year old in the last year of his contract with a club looking to cash in on the player's massive season. Fair play, Arsenal. 

Liverpool made some of the worst flavor-of-the-month signings last season and is understandably reticent to do the same this season. You would be same way if you woke up next to Charlie Adam and Andy Carroll. They looked great at the bar, but...Plan B. So far, all Liverpool and Brendan Rodgers have done is say they admire Clint Dempsey and admitted to making an inquiry as to what sort of fee it would take to bring him to Anfield. Apparently, Fulham's asking price was a bit much for the Reds and that's where we stand. 

In the meantime, Dempsey has allegedly refused to play for Fulham in an effort to force through a move to flirtatious Liverpool. I can't blame him. He's coming off the best year of his career, he's not getting any younger, and this transfer window is likely as high as his stock will ever be. 

On the flip side, Fulham, in spite of what Mark Hughes has said, is an ambitious club and they want fair money for a player they would otherwise have to let go for free next season. For a club like Fulham, the difference between a $7 million transfer fee and a $15 million transfer fee is enormous. 

On the flip, flip side (Can you have two flip sides?), Liverpool have signed other promising players in recent days and don't appear to be losing any sleep over not having Dempsey paraded out in front of The Kop to do fancy juggling tricks and pose for pictures with a Liverpool scarf strung above his head. 

Basically, Liverpool is the hottest chick in the bar. It's a Thursday night so the bar isn't terribly crowded, but of the men in the bar, Dempsey is the best looking. Of the women, it's Liverpool. Liverpool has glanced Dempsey's way a couple of times and would go home with him if the opportunity presented itself, but there's always ice cream and Sex and the City reruns...and Friday night. Dempsey, for his part, has noticed the glances and suddenly realized that he can do better than the woman he's with and is imagining boning down with the car show model across the bar. For the record, Manchester United and Barcelona would be Victoria's Secret models. Liverpool has a banging body but wears Budweiser bikinis and poses with monster trucks.

Fulham is on Dempsey's right arm and has caught him leering at Liverpool and blowing LL Cool J kisses across the bar. Although she's pissed at Dempsey and a little hurt, she gets it. She's mostly a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl and isn't a fan of thong underwear because, you know, they're impractical. To deflect Liverpool's interest, she watches Dempsey like a hawk, makes it a point to get all schmoopy with him, and makes fuck off eyes at Liverpool every time she gets a chance. 

Liverpool, sensing a fling with Dempsey might be more drama than it's worth, starts trolling around the bar and notices a couple of Euro trash guys playing Tiesto songs on the jukebox. They're not really her type, but what the hell, right? 

Dempsey realizes his chance with the car model is slipping once he sees the Euro trash guys air humping Liverpool in their man capri pants and snaps at Fulham to back off. Like any self respecting woman, she says something like but not necessarily, "I loved you, but I'll be fine without you," and marches out of the bar. By the time Dempsey has extracted himself from his quarrel with Fulham, Liverpool has long since left the bar and may or may not be booking a room at Sybaris with the Euro trash guys.

Sitting at the bar alone, Dempsey orders a beer and wonders if he missed his chance with Liverpool and, if so, whether or not he can mend fences with Fulham and her friends. That's when a 38 year old divorcee and with bleach blonde hair and cut rate breast implants saunters up, lights a cigarette, and says something delicate like, "My name's Sunderland and I fuck like a tiger."

Double bag it, Deuce.