The Better Late Than Never Predictions

Those of you in Blighty are no doubt slumbering peacefully away on the eve of yet another Premier League Saturday...or you're not and you're out carousing with the boys (or ladies) and more than a few pints in. In any case, you're not reading this right now. Consider it a morning gift and/or hangover remedy left in the still of night by yours truly. I'm like football blogging Santa.

Those of you on this side of the Atlantic, well, what's your excuse? It's Friday night! I know because I'm doing this rather than making any number of much more questionable although undoubtedly more fun decisions all for the benefit of you dear readers. I'm like football blogging Jesus.

Santa and Jesus. I'll take that.

On to the predictions!

Chelsea take on West Brom in a match that will no doubt attract even a neutral's eye after Rafa went Waterboy, snapped, and leveled his shoulder on everyone from the Blues' fans to the Chelsea boardroom. I can't say I blame him or even that he's wrong, but wow. Anyone else get the feeling that Chelsea's season may be one or two losses from a spectacular, flaming train wreck to be played out in the season's remaining press conferences, tabloids, and rumor mills?

Rafa Benitez is not impressed

The best thing Chelsea have going for them this weekend is that Romelu Lukaku is ineligible to play against his parent club. Beyond that, you can bet the atmosphere at Stamford Bridge will be considerably unwelcoming to Rafa and populated by the Boo Bird's predatory raptor cousin.

To Chelsea fans, I'd love to say the leadership and quality in the side will buckle down, play for one another, and kick on, but it would be disingenuous and against type for me to do so. Remember the whole "Santa Jesus" thing. That's why I'm right off the bat using my William J. La Petomane Insane Prediction Of The Week! I call a 1-0 Baggies win with more gnashing of teeth and finger pointing in the post match interviews.

Everton and Reading square off at Goodison Park and both teams are in need of a win but for entirely different reasons. The Toffees began the campaign like a house on fire but have recently struggled to find their previously scintillating form and are coming off a FA Cup win against lowly Oldham that should have been done and dusted a couple of weeks ago.

Clearly, the resemblance is uncanny

Reading find themselves at the foot of the table, but only just. With some help in the other matches, they could pop out of the relegation zone with a win tomorrow, but they'll have to do it without Pavel Pogrebnyak who went Drago in last weekend's loss to Wigan. On paper, this should be a relatively easy Everton win, but there are goals in this Reading side and Everton have been suspiciously generous in the back, especially late on in matches. I think the Toffees storm out to an early lead only to get pegged back by Reading to set up a grandstand finish. 2-1, Everton.

Manchester United are the only side in the perennial frontrunners to yet show any semblance of the yips. They see off inferior sides and find a way to win against the other frontrunners. Whether it's 73 year old Ryan Giggs smacking one in with his ivory headed cane, hirsute Wayne Rooney cannoning in a screamer from the edge of the box, equine Robin Van Persie scoring for fun, or even Rafael blacking out and murdering a 25 yard scud into the top corner, United always seem to find the goals to win.

And speaking of "finding the goals to win," whatever Chris Hughton has done to the Canaries in recent weeks (ostensibly not using them to warn miners of impeding death), has worked wonders. This side has come a long way from the team who were thrashed by Fulham 5-0 to start the season. If Norwich find themselves down a goal with 10 minutes left to play, David de Gea will get ample opportunity against the likes of Grant Holt and Kai Kamara to prove that he's gotten over his callow attempts to claim crosses. I don't think it gets that nervy, but I also think Norwich are good for at least a goal in this contest. 2-1, United.

Southampton entertain QPR on Saturday and it looks for all the world to me like the Harry Redknapp effect has earned its few points and normalcy has returned. "Normalcy" being QPR's complete inability to execute even the basic fundamentals of sound defense while setting new standards for futility in the attacking end of the pitch.

That said, Southampton, while a little more than occasionally playing some fine attacking soccer, are also prone to a little more than occasionally pulling a Jos Hooiveld, even when it's not Jos Hooiveld executing the aforementioned Jos Hooiveld maneuver. I think there are goals in this one. 4-2, Southampton.

Murder Incorporated (aka Stoke City) play host to West Ham and all bets are off given the injuries and suspensions affecting players from both sides. Robert Huth is out for Stoke after trying to rearrange Philippe Senderos's face with his forearm in last weekend's match against Fulham (couldn't have made him uglier) , although given that they seem to have an entire squad of meat fisted center backs at their disposal, I don't think this hurts Stoke too much. West Ham are at a considerably more significant loss as Kevin Nolan is set to miss the match with a broken toe and Mark Noble has hurt his arm.

With West Ham missing arguably their two best midfielders and coming off a heart breaking loss to Gareth Bale, I think Stoke finally get back to winning ways and probably break a few legs along the way. Stoke for the 1-0 win.

Sunderland v Fulham represents a chance for the Cottagers to avenge the thumping they received from the Black Cats earlier in the season at Craven Cottage and also build on last week's victory over Stoke. I think they have every opportunity to do this against an underachieving Sunderland side, but as a Fulham supporter, I am immune to confidence and find optimism generally distasteful.

To me, the lynchpin to a successful Fulham side lies in Dimitar Berbatov's ability/desire/discipline to stay farther up the pitch than he has a tendency to do. In lieu of that, Fulham need to play with two out-and-out strikers to compensate for Berbatov's dalliances into the midfield. Given that this match is away from home, I don't think Martin Jol will start two dedicated forwards. This leaves me praying that Berbatov will draw a lesson from the Fulham "Harlem Shake" video (scroll down) and calmly occupy space in the attacking third while the other ten Fulham players go apeshit around him winning the ball, pressing Sunderland, and finding the Bulgarian in space between the Sunderland center backs. Even if all of that does come to pass, I'm still wary of Adam Johnson, Steven Fletcher, Stephane Sessegnon, and Danny Graham...and Philippe Senderos's one required moment of lunacy. Does a 1-1 draw sound about right to anyone else?

In Saturday's most tantalizing match, newly laden with silverware Swansea play host to Nouveau Chateau (aka Newcastle). This could be a really exciting match for the neutral viewer. Now that I've written that it will most probably end 0-0 and have all the drama and intrigue of your grandparent's sex life. Let's hope not.

Swansea will be well rested and full of confidence after winning an uncontested Capital One Cup and Newcastle are playing some of the most powerful and pleasing football in the league at the moment. I'm honestly at a total loss on this one. I call 3-3 in a classic, borderline William J. La Petomane Insane Prediction.

And in Saturday's final match, Liverpool travel to Wigan in a battle of ex Swansea managers, ex Swansea managers who did an excellent job setting the table for Michael Laudrup. Martinez has been trying to set his Wigan table with plastic forks, chopsticks, paper plates, a towel and a cookie tray for the last few years (and made some delicious meals in spite of these presentational limitations) and Brendan Rodgers has a table cluttered with fine china, doilies, real silver silverware, and an enormous centerpiece, but can't keep his hollandaise from separating.

Wigan throttled Reading last weekend and helped only half of my WJL Insane Prediction come true while Liverpool are coming off a similar demolition of the Swans. I see Liverpool the more likely of the two sides to continue their run of form as I think Rodgers is finally starting to put some delicious dishes in those expensive platters. Liverpool, 3-0.

Have a wonderful Saturday!                

Transfer Window Heroes and Goats

Transfer windows typically slam shut; that's the cliche anyway. I've never heard a breathless Sky Sports anchor announce that a window has been gently and quietly closed or that, at the appointed hour, the transfer window has been carefully shuttered and the football world is off to bed after a warm glass of milk. Doesn't quite build the drama, does it? Fans of every club imagine that, right up until the final second of the final minute of the window, their manager and owner are wildly fielding phone calls and tending to faxes and firing emails out across the globe to get that one special piece of the puzzle that is going to take the club to unimagined heights by May. It's the floor of the New York Stock Exchange until the window slams shut and all deals have to be plated and presented for judgement.

Well, this year the window slid smoothly and soundlessly in its sill and is now latched. Good night.

You old charmer, you!

Other than Golden Balls moving to yet another of the World's Great Cities and immediately charming the culottes off of the French media by announcing his entire salary would be going to a children's charity, there weren't too many blockbuster deals to speak of. There were, however, Heroes and Goats:

Heroes:

Liverpool - The big question with Liverpool was where, other than Luis Suarez, the goals were going to come from. Last transfer window they spectacularly missed out on Clint Dempsey and then loaned Andy Carroll to West Ham leaving Luis Suarez as options A-Z to spearhead the Reds' attack. The addition of Daniel Sturridge gives Brendan Rodgers' side another vetted goal-scoring threat, and the signing of Philippe Coutinho injects a creative element in midfield that hasn't existed at Anfield this season. If I'm a Liverpool fan, in spite of the cost associated with bringing these two players in, I'm excited for the future. Coutinho is only 20 and Sturridge is only 23 and they're being added to a side that is already full of very young players.

Brek Shea - If it wasn't obvious from his grintastic car interview with Sky Sports, Brek Shea is really, really, really, really, really happy to be out of Dallas and away from Schellas Hyndman. The Texan will join Geoff Cameron at Stoke City and should be afforded every opportunity to make a position his own. He's fast, skilled, and has the ability to score some fabulous goals if not the ability to sport a decent hairstyle.

Arsenal - I know, I know Arsenal only brought in one player! How can they be heroes if they only brought in one player? Well, that one player is Nacho Monreal. No, Nacho Monreal is not a Tex-Mex restaurant in Quebec. Nacho Monreal is a Spain international who comes over from Malaga and will, in all likelihood, insure that Andre Santos never sees the pitch again. For that fact alone, this may be the most genius move of the transfer window.

Shane Long - Long has found consistent starts hard to come by this season, but with Peter Odemwingie's bizarre and futile attempt to force a transfer through to QPR, the Irishman may suddenly find a few more opportunities to play up top for West Brom. At the bare minimum, he's a Baggies striker not named Peter Odemwingie and that's a very good thing indeed.

Newcastle - The Magpies did a little anti-Villa and actually picked up three important players who should help see them up the table and clearly into safety. Moussa Sissoko, Yoan Gouffran, and Mathieu Debuchy are all classy players who can start and produce immediately. The biggest coup for the Northwesterners, however, may be that they were able to convince Fabricio Coloccini to stay until the end of the season.

Goats:

Peter Odemwingie - There are so many things wrong with what Odemwingie did on deadline day that I'm note entirely sure where to start. He wasn't given permission to discuss terms with QPR, but he loaded his agent into the car and drove all the way to West London anyhow in the hopes that he could force West Brom's hand. QPR wouldn't see him, the window closed, and there's Odemwingie having to drive all the way home to face the fans, teammates, and employers he tried to run out on. And he did all of this to force a move to QPR?! Bottom of the table, past their sell by date, overpaid, sinking ship, Harry-Redknapp-called-yesterday-and-tried-to-sign-me QPR.

This is what winning Twitter looks like.

QPR - Harry Redknapp is running a Queen's(Park Rangers) Gambit and continues to make what are, for my money, suspect buys that have the potential to ruin the club financially if they aren't able to stay in the Premier League. I still think QPR will go down and if/when they do, Harry's reputation for driving clubs into administration has to rise to at least equal his reputation of keeping them up. Christopher Samba fills a need with the looming departure of Ryan Nelsen, but his wages are through the roof and only further destabilize an already shaky pay structure. Loic Remy was a decent signing, but the arrival of Jermaine Jenas from Tottenham has me scratching my head. Good luck, Rangers fans. You're going to need it. 

Pajtim Kasami -  Kasami is a Fulham youngster who can't get a game since arriving at the club back in 2011. The 20 year old was hopeful a move to Serie A side Psecara would materialize yesterday, but apparently a faulty internet connection at the hotel where his agent was staying scuppered the move. How Fulham. 

Fulham - Speaking of Fulham and completely Fulham things to happen, Fulham got totally Fulhamed on deadline day. Of the substantial moves the Cottagers made this window, 4 of the 5 are loan deals and, although each deal sees the addition of some quality young players, I'm not terribly confident that Martin Jol was able to address his most pressing team needs. I wrote earlier about what I believed was Fulham's need for an out-and-out striker, and that need went completely unaddressed. Additionally, the only big name signing Fulham was trying to make was for Maarten Stekelenburg of AS Roma. I like Stekelenburg and think he's a functional goalkeeper, but I'm not convinced that he would have been a solution to a problem that may not even exist. Regardless, he got Fulhamed when he boarded a plane in Rome, took off for London, and then was incommunicado somewhere over Europe when Roma decided to pull the plug on the deal as they couldn't line up a viable replacement. 

Aston Villa - Villa are in free fall down the league table and had the opportunity to buy a parachute or a balloon or some wings or even a huge bed sheet with some handles sown onto it and instead they chose to do nothing, which, in their current situation, is a little like buying an anvil. They didn't even offload Darren Bent. Boo, Villa.    

Best XI Bottom III

This weekend I (again) spent an inordinate amount of time watching Premier League matches back-to-back-to-back while I should have been doing other, more constructive things like walking the dog, cleaning my apartment, or...bathing. This fact was no lost on my delightful girlfriend and I'm currently snuggling on the couch with her watching The Bachelor as penance. I'm screwed if she looks over my shoulder to see what I'm typing. Whatever. It was worth it. I enjoyed it and I can quit any time. You're not the boss of me.

Some time between watching Arsene Wenger actually make use of that ridiculous coat of his and surprising myself by cheering enthusiastically for a draw in the Spurs v Man United match, I had a thought [insert "one thought" jokes here]. Could you, drafting only players currently on teams in the relegation zone of the Premier League, put together a league challenging side?

Just so we're all on the same page here, we're talking QPR, Wigan, and Reading. QPR are, dare I say, reborn under Harry Redknapp and are currently threatening to shed their mantle as Most Spectacular Train Wreck Of The Season. But their January transfer window activity thus far has been limited to signing too old, too expensive hired guns to replace a bunch of other too old, too expensive hired guns. I will literally eat my hat if QPR escape relegation.

My hat.

Wigan have been competently - and I mean that with all sincerity- led by Roberto Martinez right back into a relegation scrap and should be thankful to even be there. Seriously, how does this guy do it? It seems like every year Wigan just escape relegation and celebrate by selling off their best players, replacing them with no one in particular, and winding up the whole thing again just to see how close they can cut it. Everyone goes on and on about Harry Redknapp, but what Martinez does every single year with three nuns, a mime, four UPS drivers, a high school place kicker, two mannequins, and six of those shooting dummies they use at training sessions to make the wall is astounding. I predict they do it again this year.

Hippest duckface ever.

That leaves us with Reading, the quintessential yo-yo side. They could barely stay up or barely go down and I wouldn't be surprised either way. The best thing they have going for them is that there are other teams just as bad, if not worse, that could sneak into one of those bottom three spots. The worst thing they have going for them is that they look an awful lot like QPR in those jerseys. C'mon, Reading. Dress like the guy who has the job you want.  

So, do we have a contender? Well, first things first, we need a manager. Brian McDermott looks like a bond villain to me and I've never been terribly impressed by his tactics. Harry Redknapp seems the obvious choice, but I submit that he's never gone to a club that wasn't woefully underachieving and then done one before he could ride the crest back down to more realistic results. That leaves me with Roberto Martinez and I feel pretty good about that choice (see above).

In goal I've got to go with Julio Cesar, mostly because I just can't square the fact that this guy has won almost everything in the game with the fact that he's about to get relegated as a member of one of the most underachieving Premier League sides ever. He's starting to come good after some very un-Julio Cesar-like performances and her certainly looks the part in his Brazilian ninja kit. Also, my other realistic choices were Ali Al-Habsi and Rob Green. Al-Habsi isn't an awful choice, but he's got to be backup to Cesar. Green is like a poor man's goalkeeping version of Fernando Torres. In a little over two years the guy has gone from England's number one to a warm seat on the bench of the worst team in the league. If Clint Dempsey ever winds up poisoned, I'm going to want to hear Green's alibi.

He'll be damned if Chamakh is going to score on him. I like that in a goalkeeper.

My back four is Maynor Figueroa, Nicky Shorey, Ryan Nelsen, and Ivan Ramis. Basically, this is a crap shoot. None of the bottom three teams are particularly adept at scoring goals, but they're really freaking good at letting them in. Whoever you stick back there is going to be somewhere way down the ladder from Gary Cahill, Rio Ferdinand, and Michael Dawson. Gary Caldwell, Armand Traore, Stephane M'Bia, and Fabio - Has he not been playing quite well of late? - all probably could have found their way into this Best XI Bottom III back four, but I went with my gut. Figueroa is an athlete who can bomb forward when needed. Nelsen is an old school center back general and a natural leader. Ramis is a big oaf who can kick you. Shorey can occasionally serve a ball. Seems like balance to me. 

In midfield we've got Shaun Maloney, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Junior Hoilett, Adel Taarabt, and Samba Diakite. A few things: 1- I never said these players had to be currently fit. This is my fantasy/nightmare side and I can select whoever I want as long as they're on the roster of a bottom three side. 2 - How in the hell is QPR the worst team in the Premier League with the players they have on that roster?! 3 - Samba Diakite is a butcher and sometimes you need that. 4 - Shortest midfield ever? 5 - I don't want to put Taarabt on this team at all, but he's the closest thing to a gamechanger on any of the bottom three rosters. Seriously, look at who is on these rosters. I'll wait. 

This brings us to my one forward selection. On hype it has to be Loic Remy. On Looks it has to be Pavel Pogrebnyak. On hair it's Arouna Kone. You won't be surprised to learn that no forward on any of the bottom three sides has scored more than eight goals. Again, there's a reason they're in the bottom three. You might be surprised to learn, however, that that eight goal scorer is Reading's Adam Le Fondre. Go on, Adam! Be a hero!

So, could my Best XI Bottom III side challenge for a league title? In a word: no. In five words: Not a chance in hell. But with Adel Taarbat pulling the strings behind a front running Adam Le Fondre, Hoilett and Wright-Phillips providing width on the wings and sometimes collapsing in to allow Figueroa and Shorey to overlap, Diakite kicking people, Maloney being one too many attacking players on the field, Nelsen marshaling the defense with Ramis mouth breathing next to him, Cesar getting a steady workout in the goal, and Martinez looking dapper and gesticulating madly on the touchline, this would be one fun team to watch!

Probably wouldn't be dead bottom either......or have a wage bill as large as QPR's. But we would play at Loftus Road. Nothing like watching a train wreck up close!