Well, a full 72 hours after I picked Man City to finish a disappointing 4th in the Premiership table, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool, and Manchester United, City's most obvious title challengers, all failed to impress, and the Sky Blues absolutely walloped poor Swansea 4-0 at Eastlands...or Etihad...or I-Wish-Maine-Road-Still-Existed Stadium after David Silva and Sergio Aguero put on a master class...
...But let's not pump the tires too much just yet. I mean, it was Swansea. It's not like City mopped the floor with United or Tottenham or even Arsenal (although, in the case of the Gunners, I bet that happens). It's early days and I still have every expectation that City will find a way to not live up to its payroll (see: Real Madrid; Miami Heat). For now, I'm kicking myself for not throwing Kun "I'm sleeping with Maradona's Daughter" Aguero into my fantasy lineup. He looked like a world beater...against Swansea. Again with the tire pumping thing.
So on to the next week of fixtures and a table top clash between Bolton and Manchester City! $10 says no one has ever written that sentence before today.
Stay tuned for a midweek post in which I field the Premier League's Best XI Hair Don'ts. Hint: Marouane Chamakh has a barber. Marouane Chamakh's barber's right hand has no fucking idea what Marouane Chamakh's barber's left hand is doing.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Opening Weekend Impressions Or Why Anyone Who Says They Know What's Going to Happen This Year Is Full of It...Myself Included
Non Indianapolis readers of this blog, allow me a brief, geographically specific indulgence. Of the soccer bars in Indy, there's really only one place to watch a match without being annoyed ad nauseum by the conversations around you. That place? Chatham Tap on Mass Ave. I spent the better part of the morning there yesterday and as the only Fulham fan present, was forced to watch our frustrating 0-0 draw at home to Villa sans sound on the telecast. No worries. Surrounding me was a trove of Liverpool fans hanging onto every touch of the ball at home to Sunderland and a few delusional Arsenal supporters pre-drinking for what they must have known was going to be an underwhelming visit to Newcastle. C'mon, Gunners, the writing is on the wall. Still, I admire your fantasies.
Anyhow, these fans were genuinely knowledgeable. Everyone was abreast of the new singings for his club and those of the other clubs and everyone posited well informed opinions of how his team should play, who was injured, and what substitutions made sense. Compare that with today's adventure to Union Jack in Broad Ripple. Now, I like Union Jack, don't get wrong. The Chicago style pizza is first rate as is the meatloaf. Plus, it's only a block or so away so going to watch a match between two teams I don't really care that much about (United and West Brom) is not too terrible an undertaking. Having said that, I wanted to strangle the fans sitting near me. Actual conversations heard amongst the gathered at Union Jack:
"I think it's a ninety minute match. I guess this is overtime given that they're in the 93rd minute." It's injury time, ass.
"Danny WellbAck is sooooo much better than Dimitar Berbatov." Berbatov scored 20 goals last season and it's WellbEck.
"How did City do this weekend?" They play Monday.
"Anderson doesn't have a first name. No one in Brazil does. It's a Portuguese thing." They all have first, middle, and last names, they just put one on their jerseys.
"Why aren't Chicharito and Evra playing? Ferguson must be getting old." They're both hurt. Ferguson is old, but not old enough to name two crocked players to the bench. He sends crocked players to Sunderland.
"Bud Light is so good fresh out of the tap." Bud Light is terrible no matter where it comes from.
"Why isn't Scholes even on the bench?" He retired.
Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest, onto impressions from the weekend!
Liverpool V Sunderland - I still stand by my claim that Liverpool can win the league this year. They looked bright going forward and Charlie Adam seems perfectly suited to be a great KOP hero. He's got the right amount of steel and quality to really stake a claim to the Liverpool midfield and that incredible gap toothed scowl has "Scouser" written all over it. If Suarez converts his penalty in the first half, Liverpool cruise. Also, Sunderland are not the Sunderland of years past. There's real quality in this team and the new signings, given some matches to gel, should see them finishing comfortably in the top half. Seba Larsson's goal was a thing of beauty.
Bolton v QPR - Half empty stadium. 4-0 drubbing. Inept defending. QPR is going down. Bolton looked good. Admittedly, this was against QPR, but Bolton were without Stuart Holden and Lee Chung Yong. Owen Coyle has completely revamped Bolton's "hit it long and hope Kevin Davies kills a guy and then hammers it home" style of play. They actually play football and should also look to finish comfortably in the top half.
Blackburn V Wolves - Is it any wonder Steve Kean immediately called upon Venky's to open up the transfer coffers following Rover's loss to Wolves? The writing was on the wall and now it's been read by anyone associated with Blackburn. This is not a good side and I stand by my claim that they are relegation front runners.
Wigan V Norwich - This was like watching the Special Olympics.
Fulham V Aston Villa - The Cottagers looked a little out of sorts for the first half and seemed to run out of ideas once they got into the offensive third of the pitch. Having said that, the second half was much better going forward and Fulham settled for the draw only because they couldn't finish. As for Villa, Emile Heskey is still alive? N'Zogbia is a great bit of business. Shay Given may be the signing of the year.
Newcastle V Arsenal - Listening to the Arsenal supporters critique the match was hilarious. Is there a group of fans in the Premiership more like their manager? If only this, if only that. Sorry guys, but it just isn't happening. I could write on and on about what a truly inept talent Theo Walcott is or how passing the ball a minimum of six times in the box is not a way to score goals or how Arsenal is now a glorified feeder club, but that would just be cruel. Additionally, how fun is it to watch Joey Barton and his faux Fascist faux hawk wreak havoc on everything? I hope he stays at Newcastle if for no other reason than it's obvious he gives two shits about anything other than being Joey Barton and he has to know he's the best player Newcastle have. His Premiership greeting card (red card) to Gervinho was priceless. Also, do Gervinho and Sagna have the same hairstylist? It looks like they both have two gay tarantulas perched atop their heads. And speaking of ridiculous haircuts, quote of the day from my buddy Rich, "Song is only one mistimed tackle from being sent off and one frilly shirt away from being part of Prince and the Revolution." Indeed.
Chelsea V Stoke - Granted, the Britannia is a tough place to play, but you're Chelsea. All the other front runners drew yesterday. Go on and stake a claim as a title favorite...or don't. Asmir Begovic stood on his head to keep Stoke on even terms. Quality goalkeeping.
Manchester United V West Brom - Speaking of staking a claim, an own goal doesn't exactly put an exclamation mark on a title challenge. Still, United found a way to win and that's what champions do. Having said that, if Evra and now Vidic and Ferdinand find themselves in the training room with injury layoffs, things could get dicey for a while. What's a back four of Fabio, Smalling, Evans, and Jones look like in the matches to come? Combine that with de Gea flapping at every ball served into the box. Again, I think he'll come good, but it's going to be that much more difficult with a makeshift back four in front of him. West Brom can consider themselves unlucky to not have come away with the draw.
Manchester City V Swansea - Tomorrow's match will be telling. If City do anything other than destroy Swansea it's almost as if this weekend didn't even happen for the legitimate top four challengers. C'mon Swansea!
Final thought: A disturbing number of Google searches for "Charlie Adam's teeth" led UK readers to this blog. Hope you found what you were looking for. Charlie Adam could kill a man at twenty paces with a toothpick with that kind of front tooth gap.
Anyhow, these fans were genuinely knowledgeable. Everyone was abreast of the new singings for his club and those of the other clubs and everyone posited well informed opinions of how his team should play, who was injured, and what substitutions made sense. Compare that with today's adventure to Union Jack in Broad Ripple. Now, I like Union Jack, don't get wrong. The Chicago style pizza is first rate as is the meatloaf. Plus, it's only a block or so away so going to watch a match between two teams I don't really care that much about (United and West Brom) is not too terrible an undertaking. Having said that, I wanted to strangle the fans sitting near me. Actual conversations heard amongst the gathered at Union Jack:
"I think it's a ninety minute match. I guess this is overtime given that they're in the 93rd minute." It's injury time, ass.
"Danny WellbAck is sooooo much better than Dimitar Berbatov." Berbatov scored 20 goals last season and it's WellbEck.
"How did City do this weekend?" They play Monday.
"Anderson doesn't have a first name. No one in Brazil does. It's a Portuguese thing." They all have first, middle, and last names, they just put one on their jerseys.
"Why aren't Chicharito and Evra playing? Ferguson must be getting old." They're both hurt. Ferguson is old, but not old enough to name two crocked players to the bench. He sends crocked players to Sunderland.
"Bud Light is so good fresh out of the tap." Bud Light is terrible no matter where it comes from.
"Why isn't Scholes even on the bench?" He retired.
Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest, onto impressions from the weekend!
Liverpool V Sunderland - I still stand by my claim that Liverpool can win the league this year. They looked bright going forward and Charlie Adam seems perfectly suited to be a great KOP hero. He's got the right amount of steel and quality to really stake a claim to the Liverpool midfield and that incredible gap toothed scowl has "Scouser" written all over it. If Suarez converts his penalty in the first half, Liverpool cruise. Also, Sunderland are not the Sunderland of years past. There's real quality in this team and the new signings, given some matches to gel, should see them finishing comfortably in the top half. Seba Larsson's goal was a thing of beauty.
Bolton v QPR - Half empty stadium. 4-0 drubbing. Inept defending. QPR is going down. Bolton looked good. Admittedly, this was against QPR, but Bolton were without Stuart Holden and Lee Chung Yong. Owen Coyle has completely revamped Bolton's "hit it long and hope Kevin Davies kills a guy and then hammers it home" style of play. They actually play football and should also look to finish comfortably in the top half.
Blackburn V Wolves - Is it any wonder Steve Kean immediately called upon Venky's to open up the transfer coffers following Rover's loss to Wolves? The writing was on the wall and now it's been read by anyone associated with Blackburn. This is not a good side and I stand by my claim that they are relegation front runners.
Wigan V Norwich - This was like watching the Special Olympics.
Fulham V Aston Villa - The Cottagers looked a little out of sorts for the first half and seemed to run out of ideas once they got into the offensive third of the pitch. Having said that, the second half was much better going forward and Fulham settled for the draw only because they couldn't finish. As for Villa, Emile Heskey is still alive? N'Zogbia is a great bit of business. Shay Given may be the signing of the year.
Newcastle V Arsenal - Listening to the Arsenal supporters critique the match was hilarious. Is there a group of fans in the Premiership more like their manager? If only this, if only that. Sorry guys, but it just isn't happening. I could write on and on about what a truly inept talent Theo Walcott is or how passing the ball a minimum of six times in the box is not a way to score goals or how Arsenal is now a glorified feeder club, but that would just be cruel. Additionally, how fun is it to watch Joey Barton and his faux Fascist faux hawk wreak havoc on everything? I hope he stays at Newcastle if for no other reason than it's obvious he gives two shits about anything other than being Joey Barton and he has to know he's the best player Newcastle have. His Premiership greeting card (red card) to Gervinho was priceless. Also, do Gervinho and Sagna have the same hairstylist? It looks like they both have two gay tarantulas perched atop their heads. And speaking of ridiculous haircuts, quote of the day from my buddy Rich, "Song is only one mistimed tackle from being sent off and one frilly shirt away from being part of Prince and the Revolution." Indeed.
Chelsea V Stoke - Granted, the Britannia is a tough place to play, but you're Chelsea. All the other front runners drew yesterday. Go on and stake a claim as a title favorite...or don't. Asmir Begovic stood on his head to keep Stoke on even terms. Quality goalkeeping.
Manchester United V West Brom - Speaking of staking a claim, an own goal doesn't exactly put an exclamation mark on a title challenge. Still, United found a way to win and that's what champions do. Having said that, if Evra and now Vidic and Ferdinand find themselves in the training room with injury layoffs, things could get dicey for a while. What's a back four of Fabio, Smalling, Evans, and Jones look like in the matches to come? Combine that with de Gea flapping at every ball served into the box. Again, I think he'll come good, but it's going to be that much more difficult with a makeshift back four in front of him. West Brom can consider themselves unlucky to not have come away with the draw.
Manchester City V Swansea - Tomorrow's match will be telling. If City do anything other than destroy Swansea it's almost as if this weekend didn't even happen for the legitimate top four challengers. C'mon Swansea!
Final thought: A disturbing number of Google searches for "Charlie Adam's teeth" led UK readers to this blog. Hope you found what you were looking for. Charlie Adam could kill a man at twenty paces with a toothpick with that kind of front tooth gap.
Friday, August 12, 2011
This is What Will Happen in The Premiership this Year. Trust Me, I'm a Blogger.
On another exam, one was asked to list Abraham Lincoln's civil war generals in order of Lincoln's personal preference. Seriously? We're talking double digits of generals here and although I can be one bastard of a know-it-all, I cannot presume to know the personal feelings of a long dead American President toward a bunch of guys who prosecuted a war 150 years ago. I could probably get "most favorite" and "I fucking hate that guy," but is there really much of a difference between numbers five and six? Which, in a very roundabout way, brings me to my predictions for the 2011-2012 Premier League campaign. You didn't think I'd get there, did you? Shame on you.
Let's be honest, the Premier League is about the top four and the bottom three. Places five through seventeen are largely indistinguishable despite some European spots up for grabs and a fairly meaningless pat on the back for finishing in the top half. I say this as a supporter of a club that falls in the middle ground, so don't get all up in arms, Stoke fans. The two main goals of any Premier League side are to push for a top four sport and the Champions League and, barring that - and if you're not Manchester United, Manchester city, Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal, or Tottenham I hope you are barring that - to not get relegated. Everything else is gravy.
Let's start with the top four. I pick them to finish like this:
1. Liverpool - I know, I know. What the H? Liverpool?! Yup, Liverpool. I've thought about this quite a bit and I cannot convince myself that Liverpool aren't legitimate challengers for the Premier League title. There's a lot of quality in this side from back to front. Luis Suarez and his ridiculous overbite were a revelation in the second half of last season. Andy Carroll and his ridiculous hair should be healthy and provide a nice foil to Suarez. The midfield is stacked with Raul Meireles and his ridiculous full sleeve tattoos, Dirk Kuyt and his ridiculously hideous bad looks, Jordan Henderson and his ridiculously boyish good looks, Charlie Adam and his ridiculous front tooth gap, Stuart Downing and his ridiculous ability to serve a ball (alas, there's really not that much ridiculous about Downing), and Steven Gerrard and his ridiculous newly acquired honor of being named the most attractive footballer in England...according to Gay men. Seriously. That happened. Additionally, the back four, although not endowed with quite as much ridiculousness, is experienced and solid and although Pepe Reina is prone to the odd howler, he's no Heurelho Gomes.
With Adam, Downing, and Henderson, Kenny Dalglish made quite the stir in the transfer market and can now probably field an entire team of midfielders, but those signings give Liverpool incredible strength in depth, a good mixture of experience and youth, and the option to play Gerrard, Mireles, and Kuyt in any formation at any time. I predict many a drunken celebration for the KOP...hide your wife, hide your kids.
2. Manchester United - I struggled with this one more than any other prediction. On the one hand, it's Manchester Freaking United. No matter who gets a run out, they always seem to play for the shirt, believe in the their ability, and find a way to score one more goal. As a non United fan, it's disgusting. Having said that, you've got to respect the club and Sir Alex. Simply put, they're winners.
On the other hand, you don't win championships with young goalkeepers. I think David de Gea is a great young player and will be a good goalkeeper for a very long time, but it's Manchester Freaking United and he's following a legend. No one wants to be the guy after the legend. You want to be the guy after the guy after the legend...and sometimes not even that guy. Ask Fabian Barthez.
Still, United have plenty of firepower in Rooney, Chicharito, Berbatov, and Nani and Vidic, Ferdinand, and Evra are rocks in the back. If there's a question mark for me, it's central midfield. Anderson is going to be asked to step up and contribute more than he's done so far for the club and Sir no longer has the safety net of bringing Paul Scholes on for twenty or thirty minutes to say, "Seriously guys, calm the fuck down. Now watch me while I ping this sixty yard ball directly to Rooney's feet while he's in full stride...in a downpour...blindfolded."
3. Chelsea - What can you say about Chelsea? Well, they're old, or at least getting older. Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard, John Terry, and Petr Cech have been the spine of this team for years and that spine has a lot of miles on it. Still, all three of those players are world class and it shouldn't be that big of a deal if, and this is a big if, the young guys can step up and everyone buys into what Andre Villas-Boas is selling. Actually, that's two ifs, but who's counting? Oh, and if Fernando Torres can finally, you know, put the ball in the back of the net. Damn! Three ifs! Side note: How did Torres not get the Hottest Player in the Premier League Among Gay Men award? Seriously, look at the guy! If I'm gay I hit that every day of the week. Twice on Sundays...but only if Chelsea have a Saturday or midweek match...and I'm a Chelsea fan...otherwise, I hit it on Sunday and then brag to all my gay buddies that Torres didn't score that day because he "scored" that day. I finish my comments with a "Hey-O!". I digress.
Another big question mark (four ifs?!?) is whether or not Michael Essien can ever get healthy. Lampard needs freedom in midfield to create and if he doesn't have someone like Essien putting out fires for him he has to play deeper on the pitch. Mikel is a decent second option for that role, but he's no Essien and is always just one insane challenge away from a ban. Still, Chelsea did some good business in the transfer market and young guys like Gael Kakuta and especially Daniel Sturridge could find themselves finally getting quality minutes in the first team under a new coach. If I'm honest, and I try to be, I could easily see United and Chelsea trading spots here. Maybe I'll switch them. It was the Fernando Torres talk that caused me to second guess my initial decision. And by "initial decision" I mean putting United at two and Chelsea at three, not my sexual preference.
4. Manchester City - I hate putting City here. I'd love to see Tottenham or Arsenal in this fourth spot, but let's be honest, Tottenham need to score goals and Crouch, Defoe, Keane, Pavlyuchenko, and Dos Santos don't exactly set the world on fire. As for Arsenal...where do I start? Frankly, I think they're screwed, especially if Fabregas and Nasri leave. I could see an epic collapse that has Arsene Wenger throwing one season long hissy fit, pointing fingers at bad challenges and referees, and sinking into a Colonel Kurtz like void of insanity. God, that would be fun to watch!
Back to City. If there's one word to describe my feelings toward City, it's schadenfreude. There's no team in the Premier League I like to see lose more than City. I wholeheartedly believe they're everything that's wrong with world football at the moment and a complete implosion would just tickle me to death. If Dante were alive today, he'd put Wal-Mart and Manchester City together in a special ring of hell.
On paper, this squad is ridiculous. There's literally a world class player...or three...in every single position. In practice, they're two losses away from complete dysfunction. Mario Balotelli is the Terrell Owens of big time club football, Carlos Tevez wants away from everywhere, Craig Bellamy HATES Roberto Mancini, Roberto Mancini HATES Craig Bellamy, and some seasoned international stars and young, exciting players can't get anywhere near the first team. Add to that a wage bill that prevents anyone from going anywhere in the transfer market and I see the potential for City to go up like a poorly fried turkey at Thanksgiving.
Regardless of what happens, I think Mancini is done after this season. The only way he stays, as far as I can see, is by either winning the Premiership or going really far in the Champions League. I don't see either happening. I can, however, see Sheik Mansour FC...I mean Manchester City, limping to an underwhelming fourth spot in the table, losing their manager along the way, having periodic public displays of infighting, and teetering on financial collapse. I can't wait.
Now that the top of the table is set in stone and all of my predictions are well on their way to becoming true, let's take a look at those three unfortunate sides who will spend next summer preparing for life in the League Championship, shall we?
It would be too easy to predict Swansea, Norwich, and QPR as the clubs to be relegated this year. Plus, history dictates that at least one of those clubs will shock enough of the Premier League's returning clubs to get a few results and hang on for dear life.
My bottom three, in no particular order, are:
Queens Park Rangers - As spendthrift as Manchester City are, QPR are equally cheap. You get the sense that the owners are all about cashing in a Premier League paycheck and then slinking back to the Championship without feeling particularly bad about it. Their ticket prices are though the roof and Adel Taarabt, their best player last year, was immediately put in the shop window once they were promoted. Add to that the fact that Kieron Dyer and Daniel Gabbidon were brought in as marquee signings and that their last four matches of the season promise to be pretty brutal and I feel reasonably confident that QPR's days in the top flight are numbered.
Norwich - I want Norwich to stay up. I really do. Mostly this is because Zak Whitbread plays for them and it's always nice to see another American player with a top flight side. Again though, not a lot of action in the transfer market and a brutal run in to the final day. Plus, they're the Canaries. Canaries die in mines.
Blackburn - You barely survived last year. One of the players who helped you stay up was called back from his loan spell. Your squad is aging. Your best young player was sold for boatloads of cash that you haven't reinvested in new players. You bought a guy named Goodwillie, seemingly because it's a fun name to say. Your manager believes he's managing a top four side. You're owned by an Indian company that seems wholly disinterested in opening its checkbook. What's that spell? Relegated.
Other contenders for the drop:
Wigan - No N'Zogbia. This is a problem. I could be talked into them going down, but I find Roberto Martinez just so damned likable.
Wolves - I mean, it's Wolves.
Swansea - A Welsh club in the Premiership? I'll be a monkey's uncle.
Friday, March 18, 2011
As a soccer fan and player in the United States, one is always asked some derivation of the question, "When will soccer be big here?" People talk about the growth of the game and comparisons are made between soccer and other major American sports. Every 2-4 years someone asks the what-if-our-best-athletes-played-soccer question seemingly ignoring the fact that the sport's most transcendent talents are rarely the biggest, fastest, or strongest players in any given match.
I don't think most actual soccer people in the US really get too vested in these kinds of conversations, but they can be amusing. As for me, I'm pretty confident soccer will continue to grow in the United States in both popularity and quality. I'm not losing much sleep over it. For those of you who are, however, I present the following pieces of evidence as proof that soccer in this country has traveled light years in a relatively short time.
Exhibit A:
Clint Deuce Dempsey's Nike Rap
Word. Also, please pour one out for Big Hawk. Be E Z, Dawg.
Exhibit B:
What the fuck?!
This is easily the gayest thing I've ever seen. Seriously. I feel like the D.A.R.E. officer at my elementary school just wrote a super funky rap to keep me off drugs. How far has soccer come in this country? You tell me.
I don't think most actual soccer people in the US really get too vested in these kinds of conversations, but they can be amusing. As for me, I'm pretty confident soccer will continue to grow in the United States in both popularity and quality. I'm not losing much sleep over it. For those of you who are, however, I present the following pieces of evidence as proof that soccer in this country has traveled light years in a relatively short time.
Exhibit A:
Clint Deuce Dempsey's Nike Rap
Word. Also, please pour one out for Big Hawk. Be E Z, Dawg.
Exhibit B:
What the fuck?!
This is easily the gayest thing I've ever seen. Seriously. I feel like the D.A.R.E. officer at my elementary school just wrote a super funky rap to keep me off drugs. How far has soccer come in this country? You tell me.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Gennaro Gattuso Has Lost His Shit
Today's 1-0 victory over AC Milan has to be one of the most famous in Tottenham's history even though the San Siro is no longer the fortress it was in previous European competitions. Tottenham played an intelligent, counter-attacking game in the second half and as AC Milan pressed, the ball fell to the right pair of legs for Spurs' fans.
Say what you will about Aaron Lennon, he's wicked fast. Also, he's not Theo Walcott, which is a compliment. How many of you think Theo would have run like the hammers of hell straight out of bounds? Yeah, me too. Whoever says speed doesn't kill needs to ask Mario Yepes what was going through his mind as Lennon touched the ball around him, hurdled his knee high challenge, and squared the ball neatly for Peter Crouch. I'm thinking is was something akin to, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" But in Spanish...or at least Italian if he's picked up the language sufficiently enough to swear in it.
Anyhow, the real story here is the post match fisticuffs between Gennaro Gattuso and Joe Jordan. Gattuso was about to go off all game and it shouldn't have shocked anyone that a guy they call "The Snarling Dog," after being culpable for Tottenham's goal, might choose to vent his frustrations at the Tottenham assistant he had previously shoved on the touch line earlier in the match. Way to keep it classy, Gennaro.
Having said that, I don't think this is where he lost his shit. I mean, we've all been there, right? Hotly contested match? Emotions boiling over? A few choice words to the other team's bench? It happens to the best of us...especially those of us with canine inspired nicknames. Where Gattuso lost his shit was - and I mean LOST his shit - is when he decided to go after Joe Jordan.
If you didn't know all you needed to know about Big Joe Jordan when he BARELY FLINCHED after Gattuso HEAD BUTTED him, know these two things:
1. He's Scottish. The Scottish invented the head butt. The old Scottish kiss. It's a wonder Big Joe Jordan didn't just smile and bat his eyes.
2. He used to look like this...
Think he's celebrating a goal there? Nope. That's Jordan after eating a referee who gave him a yellow card...for eating another player who looked at him funny...another player from his own team.
Gennaro Gattuso has lost his shit.
Say what you will about Aaron Lennon, he's wicked fast. Also, he's not Theo Walcott, which is a compliment. How many of you think Theo would have run like the hammers of hell straight out of bounds? Yeah, me too. Whoever says speed doesn't kill needs to ask Mario Yepes what was going through his mind as Lennon touched the ball around him, hurdled his knee high challenge, and squared the ball neatly for Peter Crouch. I'm thinking is was something akin to, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" But in Spanish...or at least Italian if he's picked up the language sufficiently enough to swear in it.
Anyhow, the real story here is the post match fisticuffs between Gennaro Gattuso and Joe Jordan. Gattuso was about to go off all game and it shouldn't have shocked anyone that a guy they call "The Snarling Dog," after being culpable for Tottenham's goal, might choose to vent his frustrations at the Tottenham assistant he had previously shoved on the touch line earlier in the match. Way to keep it classy, Gennaro.
Having said that, I don't think this is where he lost his shit. I mean, we've all been there, right? Hotly contested match? Emotions boiling over? A few choice words to the other team's bench? It happens to the best of us...especially those of us with canine inspired nicknames. Where Gattuso lost his shit was - and I mean LOST his shit - is when he decided to go after Joe Jordan.
If you didn't know all you needed to know about Big Joe Jordan when he BARELY FLINCHED after Gattuso HEAD BUTTED him, know these two things:
1. He's Scottish. The Scottish invented the head butt. The old Scottish kiss. It's a wonder Big Joe Jordan didn't just smile and bat his eyes.
2. He used to look like this...
Think he's celebrating a goal there? Nope. That's Jordan after eating a referee who gave him a yellow card...for eating another player who looked at him funny...another player from his own team.
Gennaro Gattuso has lost his shit.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Bizarro Day Quiz
I need a little help here. Can anyone make sense of today's matches for me? 41 goals scored. 7 penalties given. Arsenal shits themselves and give up a 4-0 half time lead to draw at Newcastle. Yes, Newcastle. Toothless Carrolless Newcastle. Wigan scored 4 goals and Blackburn scored 3 goals...in the same game! Louis Saha blacked out and put in 4. Jason Puncheon scored today for Blackpool. Who the fuck is Jason Puncheon?
I was thinking Man U would come out in the late game and restore some sense of normalcy against Wolves, and Nani's early strike seemed to point to that eventuality...and then George Elokobi scored...and then Kevin Doyle scored...and then Manchester United ran out of ideas going forward...in the 70th minute?! Ryan Giggs lost his cool, kicked a guy, and then shoved another. Ryan Giggs is like the Fonz. He never loses his cool.
I'm at a loss. Can't explain it. Dear reader, please take the below quiz and let me know your thoughts. Lord knows my brain is not coming up with answers any time soon.
Questions for the reader:
1. Which is more bizarre:
A. The ridiculous number of goals scored today.
B. United and Arsenal choke.
C. United and Arsenal choke to Wolves and Newcastle.
D. Seven penalties.
2. Why does Louis Saha do this to Everton fans? And by "this" I mean spend most of the time injured and/or disinterested and then go ape shit for about 5 matches and look like a world beater.
A. He's French.
B. He's like Sampson with the hair thing. The more ridiculous, the better he plays.
C. Let's be real, it was against Blackpool.
D. He has a goal quota for the year that he has to squeeze in to the games in which he is not injured and/or disinterested.
3. More surprising single match goals total:
A. 8 goals in Arsenal v. Newcastle.
B. 7 goals in Wigan v. Blackburn.
Spoiler: The answer here is clearly B. Wigan couldn't score 4 times with one of Wayne Rooney's prostitutes and do Blackburn have any legitimate forwards not named Santa Cruz? Still, feel free to answer the question in the comments section. Just know that A is the incorrect answer.
4. Did Carlos Tevez solidify his claim to Player of the Year today?
A. No, it was against West Brom.
B. No, he could have done more and two of the goals were PKs.
C. Yes, did you not see that little cut back in the box?
D. Fuck Man City.
5. Which was the better goal?
A. Tevez's cut back in the box and smooth finish.
B. Cheik Tiote's wicked full volley from 30 yards to tie the match against Arsenal.
Bonus Question:
Which player's hairstyle more closely resembles that of a 70s male porn star:
A. Jonas Gutierrez.
B. Marouane Fellaini.
Please leave your answers to the Bizarro Day Quiz in the comments section. I'll announce the winner next week!
I was thinking Man U would come out in the late game and restore some sense of normalcy against Wolves, and Nani's early strike seemed to point to that eventuality...and then George Elokobi scored...and then Kevin Doyle scored...and then Manchester United ran out of ideas going forward...in the 70th minute?! Ryan Giggs lost his cool, kicked a guy, and then shoved another. Ryan Giggs is like the Fonz. He never loses his cool.
I'm at a loss. Can't explain it. Dear reader, please take the below quiz and let me know your thoughts. Lord knows my brain is not coming up with answers any time soon.
Questions for the reader:
1. Which is more bizarre:
A. The ridiculous number of goals scored today.
B. United and Arsenal choke.
C. United and Arsenal choke to Wolves and Newcastle.
D. Seven penalties.
2. Why does Louis Saha do this to Everton fans? And by "this" I mean spend most of the time injured and/or disinterested and then go ape shit for about 5 matches and look like a world beater.
A. He's French.
B. He's like Sampson with the hair thing. The more ridiculous, the better he plays.
C. Let's be real, it was against Blackpool.
D. He has a goal quota for the year that he has to squeeze in to the games in which he is not injured and/or disinterested.
3. More surprising single match goals total:
A. 8 goals in Arsenal v. Newcastle.
B. 7 goals in Wigan v. Blackburn.
Spoiler: The answer here is clearly B. Wigan couldn't score 4 times with one of Wayne Rooney's prostitutes and do Blackburn have any legitimate forwards not named Santa Cruz? Still, feel free to answer the question in the comments section. Just know that A is the incorrect answer.
4. Did Carlos Tevez solidify his claim to Player of the Year today?
A. No, it was against West Brom.
B. No, he could have done more and two of the goals were PKs.
C. Yes, did you not see that little cut back in the box?
D. Fuck Man City.
5. Which was the better goal?
A. Tevez's cut back in the box and smooth finish.
B. Cheik Tiote's wicked full volley from 30 yards to tie the match against Arsenal.
Bonus Question:
Which player's hairstyle more closely resembles that of a 70s male porn star:
A. Jonas Gutierrez.
B. Marouane Fellaini.
Please leave your answers to the Bizarro Day Quiz in the comments section. I'll announce the winner next week!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Transfer Window Winners and Losers
So the transfer window is well and truly closed at this point and I'm a touch disappointed that there weren't any Arsenalesque our-fax-machine-was-out-of-service pleas for more time to get a last-minute deal done. It always cracks me up that this team or that team will go public after the window shuts and say something ridiculous like, "We were two minutes away from signing Superlative Player X." No you weren't. It's been over a month. If the signing was going to happen, it would have happened. If you let a major deal fall through because you didn't have two more minutes, you're a terrible agent/manager/chairman/director of football operations. Just my opinion.
Anyhow, on to the winners and losers!
Winners:
Blackpool: Yes, Charlie Adam turned in a transfer request. So would you. Playing for Blackpool and having Liverpool come calling is a bit like dating a 5 and then suddenly catching the eye of a 9. Granted, Liverpool is a hot mess of a 9, which is why they were interested in you in the first place, but they're still a 9 and just because they're confused doesn't mean you shouldn't take advantage. Charlie Adam is a solid player, but Big 4 Tux Wearer? The jury is out to say the least. At any rate, it didn't happen. At the end of the day, Charlie's 5 isn't the best looking bird, but she's his and she loves him. Fences will mend. His wandering eye will be forgiven. Blackpool keeps its talisman for the second half push for survival, Ian Holloway is riding an all time high in popularity after that ridiculous fine for fielding a weakened side and also holding on to Charlie Adam, and Adam has motivation to keep playing at a high level. I mean, another confused 9 may come calling. Well done, Tangerines.
US Men's National Team: Jermaine Jones to Blackburn. Michael Bradley to Aston Villa. Robbie Findley to Nottingham Forest. Edson Buddle to Ingolstadt. Eddie Johnson to Preston North End. Brad Guzan to Hull City. Oguchi Onyewu to FC Twente. Obviously, none of these are blockbuster deals. In fact, most of them are loans until the end of the season and there are two ways to look at loan deals. One is that the loanee isn't that good and is therefore expendable (Onyewu?). The other is that the loanee is good but maybe a bit unpolished or too young to break in to the parent club's first team and needs to get time to develop with another side (Guzan?).
Regardless of each player's situation, to have important players in our national pool getting significant playing time in major European leagues can only be a positive. How solid does our midfield suddenly look. Holden, Dempsey, Jones, and Bradley all playing in the Premiership? Edu still fending off the occasional Scottish racist and making it happen for Rangers? I'm excited.
Liverpool: I know, I know they lost Fernando Torres, his nose for goal, and his ridiculously perfect bone structure. They also lost all of the BS surrounding whether or not he wanted to stay and did a tidy bit of business in shipping Paul Konchesky off to Nottingham Forest. In fairness to Konchesky, I think he's a functional player (a little creepy looking, but functional). Liverpool just wasn't a good fit and the pressure cooker of Anfield seemed to have taken its toll on the hairless wonder.
What Liverpool did get was a somewhat fresh start for King Kenny. He's got unformed clay to work with in Andrew Carroll and Luis Suarez. They're his players. If they tank, everyone can blame Torres for deserting the club. If they succeed, everyone can get that much more behind hating Torres, and the KOP really hates him now. If they succeed AND Torres fails to launch at Chelsea? Well, I'm not sure anyone in Liverpool knows what schadenfreude means, but the ensuing party could be the most epic example of it ever. Note that King Kenny and the owners aren't losers in any of these scenarios.
Roque Santa Cruz: He escapes Manchester City's menagerie of over paid superstars and goes back to a club that needs him, values him, and plays in a style that suits his game. I can't help but give my own analogy a shout out here. Roque swooned at Man City's come hither eyes, took his chiseled, Paraguayan jaw to the sky blues and...sat the bench. Now he's back at Blackburn. Man City had a sweet ass and perfect tits, but Roque, your mother always really like Blackburn. Lesson learned?
West Ham: Granted, we're not talking about signings that will guarantee survival, but West Ham made some astute buys and are clearly committed to staying up. Unfortunately, Rob Green still has cinder blocks for hands and seems to make every save a Choose Your Own Adventure. Oh no! You've fallen off a cliff!
Big Fat Andy Reid: Is anyone else shocked that Andy Reid is still playing in the Premiership? I can't explain this. He's built like a beer keg and terrace chants of "Who ate all the pies" aren't really that funny or ironic because clearly Andy Reid ate all the pies. Regardless, the kid can still pick out a ball and I guess that's why Blackpool signed him up. At least I hope that was the motivation. I'd hate to think this conversation happened:
Ian Holloway: How are we going to replace Charlie Adam if the chairman sells?
Steve Thompson: I don't know. Andy Reid?
Ian Holloway: Brilliant!
Losers:
Newcastle: So they made a boat load of money off the Carroll sale. Now where do the goals come from? I have an image of Mike Ashley swimming in a pool of money Scrooge McDuck style...in the League Championship.
Aston Villa: Darren Bent is a solid goal scorer, no doubt. Is he worth the amount they paid for him? Possibly. Will it matter that he gets goals if they consistently ship 3 or 4 against even moderate competition? Not even a little.
Jonjo Shelvey: Lost his waxing partner Paul Konchesky to a loan deal to Nottingham Forest. Seriously. Those two look like human versions of the gerbil Richard Gere allegedly shoved up his ass.
Fernando Torres: All of Liverpool hates you. Your "You'll Never Walk Alone" tattoo must look sadly ironic and way-too-freaking permanent right now. You're going to a club with two other world class strikers who probably aren't in the mood to just hand you their job. Next year's team is an older version of this year's underperforming team. Did I mention all of Liverpool hates you? That's like being hated by all of Detroit. If someone says, "All of Charlotte hates you," you're probably safe. If someone says, "All of Detroit hates you," buy kevlar. That's next level.
Emmanuel Adebayor: I feel like he jumped from the pot into the fire. If you're at one obscenely rich club and not getting any playing time, why go to another obscenely rich club where, if everyone's healthy, you'll likely also not get much playing time? I like to call it Benayoun fever.
Wigan: Relegation frontrunner. Can't score goals. Who did they sign to remedy this malady? Conor Sammon. Who? Exactly.
Until the summer transfer window opens! Kiss, kiss.
Anyhow, on to the winners and losers!
Winners:
Blackpool: Yes, Charlie Adam turned in a transfer request. So would you. Playing for Blackpool and having Liverpool come calling is a bit like dating a 5 and then suddenly catching the eye of a 9. Granted, Liverpool is a hot mess of a 9, which is why they were interested in you in the first place, but they're still a 9 and just because they're confused doesn't mean you shouldn't take advantage. Charlie Adam is a solid player, but Big 4 Tux Wearer? The jury is out to say the least. At any rate, it didn't happen. At the end of the day, Charlie's 5 isn't the best looking bird, but she's his and she loves him. Fences will mend. His wandering eye will be forgiven. Blackpool keeps its talisman for the second half push for survival, Ian Holloway is riding an all time high in popularity after that ridiculous fine for fielding a weakened side and also holding on to Charlie Adam, and Adam has motivation to keep playing at a high level. I mean, another confused 9 may come calling. Well done, Tangerines.
US Men's National Team: Jermaine Jones to Blackburn. Michael Bradley to Aston Villa. Robbie Findley to Nottingham Forest. Edson Buddle to Ingolstadt. Eddie Johnson to Preston North End. Brad Guzan to Hull City. Oguchi Onyewu to FC Twente. Obviously, none of these are blockbuster deals. In fact, most of them are loans until the end of the season and there are two ways to look at loan deals. One is that the loanee isn't that good and is therefore expendable (Onyewu?). The other is that the loanee is good but maybe a bit unpolished or too young to break in to the parent club's first team and needs to get time to develop with another side (Guzan?).
Regardless of each player's situation, to have important players in our national pool getting significant playing time in major European leagues can only be a positive. How solid does our midfield suddenly look. Holden, Dempsey, Jones, and Bradley all playing in the Premiership? Edu still fending off the occasional Scottish racist and making it happen for Rangers? I'm excited.
Liverpool: I know, I know they lost Fernando Torres, his nose for goal, and his ridiculously perfect bone structure. They also lost all of the BS surrounding whether or not he wanted to stay and did a tidy bit of business in shipping Paul Konchesky off to Nottingham Forest. In fairness to Konchesky, I think he's a functional player (a little creepy looking, but functional). Liverpool just wasn't a good fit and the pressure cooker of Anfield seemed to have taken its toll on the hairless wonder.
What Liverpool did get was a somewhat fresh start for King Kenny. He's got unformed clay to work with in Andrew Carroll and Luis Suarez. They're his players. If they tank, everyone can blame Torres for deserting the club. If they succeed, everyone can get that much more behind hating Torres, and the KOP really hates him now. If they succeed AND Torres fails to launch at Chelsea? Well, I'm not sure anyone in Liverpool knows what schadenfreude means, but the ensuing party could be the most epic example of it ever. Note that King Kenny and the owners aren't losers in any of these scenarios.
Roque Santa Cruz: He escapes Manchester City's menagerie of over paid superstars and goes back to a club that needs him, values him, and plays in a style that suits his game. I can't help but give my own analogy a shout out here. Roque swooned at Man City's come hither eyes, took his chiseled, Paraguayan jaw to the sky blues and...sat the bench. Now he's back at Blackburn. Man City had a sweet ass and perfect tits, but Roque, your mother always really like Blackburn. Lesson learned?
West Ham: Granted, we're not talking about signings that will guarantee survival, but West Ham made some astute buys and are clearly committed to staying up. Unfortunately, Rob Green still has cinder blocks for hands and seems to make every save a Choose Your Own Adventure. Oh no! You've fallen off a cliff!
Big Fat Andy Reid: Is anyone else shocked that Andy Reid is still playing in the Premiership? I can't explain this. He's built like a beer keg and terrace chants of "Who ate all the pies" aren't really that funny or ironic because clearly Andy Reid ate all the pies. Regardless, the kid can still pick out a ball and I guess that's why Blackpool signed him up. At least I hope that was the motivation. I'd hate to think this conversation happened:
Ian Holloway: How are we going to replace Charlie Adam if the chairman sells?
Steve Thompson: I don't know. Andy Reid?
Ian Holloway: Brilliant!
Losers:
Newcastle: So they made a boat load of money off the Carroll sale. Now where do the goals come from? I have an image of Mike Ashley swimming in a pool of money Scrooge McDuck style...in the League Championship.
Aston Villa: Darren Bent is a solid goal scorer, no doubt. Is he worth the amount they paid for him? Possibly. Will it matter that he gets goals if they consistently ship 3 or 4 against even moderate competition? Not even a little.
Jonjo Shelvey: Lost his waxing partner Paul Konchesky to a loan deal to Nottingham Forest. Seriously. Those two look like human versions of the gerbil Richard Gere allegedly shoved up his ass.
Fernando Torres: All of Liverpool hates you. Your "You'll Never Walk Alone" tattoo must look sadly ironic and way-too-freaking permanent right now. You're going to a club with two other world class strikers who probably aren't in the mood to just hand you their job. Next year's team is an older version of this year's underperforming team. Did I mention all of Liverpool hates you? That's like being hated by all of Detroit. If someone says, "All of Charlotte hates you," you're probably safe. If someone says, "All of Detroit hates you," buy kevlar. That's next level.
Emmanuel Adebayor: I feel like he jumped from the pot into the fire. If you're at one obscenely rich club and not getting any playing time, why go to another obscenely rich club where, if everyone's healthy, you'll likely also not get much playing time? I like to call it Benayoun fever.
Wigan: Relegation frontrunner. Can't score goals. Who did they sign to remedy this malady? Conor Sammon. Who? Exactly.
Until the summer transfer window opens! Kiss, kiss.
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